TEHRAN—Ayatollah Ali Khamenei woke up in a state of confusion last Sunday morning upon discovering his sheets were unexpectedly wet. Sniffing at the large moist spot, he was outraged to find that the unknown liquid was, in fact, his own urine. Connecting the bowl of lukewarm water on his bedside table to his still damp hand, Khamenei was quick to suspect foreign meddling by Western imperialist powers.
Translated from Persian in a leaked conversation with his Assembly of Experts, the Supreme Leader demanded that “the arrogant capitalists face retribution, perhaps in the form of shoelaces tied together or even a comically large phallus drawn on one’s forehead.” Khamenei’s advisors proposed a risky covert operation to remove Biden’s clothes and towels from his bathroom while the President showers. The Iranian inner circle showed no signs of de-escalating the ensuing prank war, strategizing on which practical joke would most effectively humiliate the American pigs.
An anonymous high-ranking source in the CIA reported that the prank war is a “highly profitable endeavor.” They described a mischief-industrial complex worth billions of dollars built around investments in whipped cream, whoopee cushions, and stink bombs. “Congressional representatives have pledged millions toward the construction of weapons of mass silliness,” the source reported, “and they intend to make high returns as the war escalates through a carefully calculated series of whimsical antics.”
In an investigation of congressional stock portfolios, Paul Pelosi was revealed to have tripled his stock in GagWorks and Prank-O in the past week.