SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA—After a crushing victory of Big Oil interests over the wellbeing of the Australian people, Dean Sue Wasiolek immediately rushed to sit on the continent in an effort to keep it from being entirely covered in flames.
"I just felt it was very important not to burn Australia,” Dean Sue yelled over the dying shrieks of a charred koala, for whom she had arrived too late. “I really want to preserve the opportunities in the future to be able to burn Australia with a permit," she explained. Dean Sue’s admirable respect for rule of law was not shared by the koala.
Big Oil took issue with Dean Sue’s action, releasing a statement describing themselves as “just some kids trying to have good, clean fun.”
As the continent burned on, several oil executives started taking selfies and pictures with Wasiolek, which she described as "awesome," though she noted that it may have been “disrespectful with regard to the koala.”