DURHAM, N.C.—As Valentine’s Day drew closer, DukeEngage director Frelinda Mench found herself receiving dozens of confusing emails. “At first I was rather puzzled. Students have never displayed such interest in my program.” A closer look at the contents of these emails revealed a misunderstanding was to blame. “Sounds like a great idea. The idea of marriage is just too serious for me,” wrote one undergrad. “A chance to pop the question! I’ve always wanted a fiance, or is it fiancee?” questioned another.
“I was very concerned,” commented Mench. “The questions displayed a disregard for DukeEngage, the institution of marriage, and French Grammar! It was only after my rage was tempered that I realized the opportunity before me.” Mench announced a total rebranding of DukeEngage for Summer 2024; it will now be known as the Duke Marriage Pact.
“You see, our numbers have plummeted in recent years. It's a combination of the global pandemic and word getting out that partying in the Bahamas all summer does not add to your resume. At this point, students’ white savior complexes are the only thing driving recruitment.” With the rebrand, Mench hopes students will see the fun and sexy side of volunteering. A BuzzFeed-style quiz will pair students up with their perfect match. “This time, instead of an awkward date at WU, they’ll have an awkward date with disaster relief! These students will surely be changing the world.” After whispering aside to an aide, Mench clarified. “I apologize, I meant to say they’ll be changing their world.”
In response to the rebranding initiative, other summer programs have scrambled to stay relevant, but Mench is not worried. “We’ll remain the premier summer opportunity at this school. Try as they might, Data Plus One just doesn’t have the same ring to it.”
