Duke falling dangerously behind Ivies in number of war criminals produced

DURHAM, NC—Duke’s dramatic fall this year from No. 9 to No. 10 in the U.S. News Rankings has many students and administrators wondering how Duke will address its dearth of war criminals.The university’s new ranking poses a risk to its students' future livelihoods. Many students now desperately wonder if their resumes will still secure consulting jobs or if they’ll be “left homeless.”


Among higher education, the number and quality of war criminals associated with a university is strongly correlated with its international standing. Some have proposed Duke invest in creating the next generation of leaders with questionable Wikipedia sections who can follow in the footsteps of Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon. “Build a library in his honor, name a couple of buildings after him, the whole thing,” says Marshall Clark, Trinity ‘23.



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