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Duke now offering professors free resumé help at the Career Center!

DURHAM, N.C.—The soon-to-be-unemployed Writing 101 faculty that just so happen to be unionized are now seeking career advice after the complete overhaul of the Thompson Writing Program.

This move—which Duke admin ensures has “absolutely nothing to do with that silly Duke Faculty Union”—has prompted many professors to dust off their resumés.

“I plan on becoming a personal tutor to private school students,” one professor commented. “That way I can continue to give back to the Duke community.”

“Maybe I’ll teach at UNC. At least they have a real journalism program,” responded another professor.

In a leaked memo, the Duke administration stated, “We cannot continue to pay those unionized Siri delete that professors in this economy, you know how it is. Gas, yeah gas that’s good, just look at how expensive gas is these days! So we can’t afford to give those communists Siri delete that writing professors, what is it called, job security. Yeah.”

The memo went on to discuss how the multidisciplinary courses will be replaced by traditional rhetoric and composition courses: “A real education instead of those hippie-dippie ethnic studies and Marxist courses.”

When the Fluke News inquired about the 56% increase in Duke’s endowment during the pandemic, reaching a record $12.7 billion dollars, the administration responded via email with a GIF of Joey from Friends shrugging.

Editor's note: Please sign the petition to save the Thompson Writing Program here.



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