THE SAZÓN LINE—Frustrated because you’re not getting enough maduros at Sazón? According to a recent study, you may need to get on the ground and bark for them.
Twenty-five highly-educated statisticians, economists, and data scientists investigated ten years’ worth of data on maduro distribution to identify generosity patterns among Sazón employees. Their dataset includes ten million rows of observations and over two hundred thousand variables, including customer name, age, height, weight, dominative-submissive index, and more.
We found that students who were male (p = 0.01), petite (p = 0.001), and docile (p = 0.00001) are each more likely to receive maduros than students who aren’t. Students who have all three traits are even luckier, as they receive an average of 52% more maduros than students who are none of those things, with class, major, and number of please’s held constant.
“The results astounded us,” said statistician Jonathan Kennedy, who was recently appointed a James B. Duke Professor of Statistical Science. “Though our results do not come from a controlled experiment, we are comfortably asserting causality: Sazón has a statistically significant dommy kink.”
After the results were published in Nature and circulated to the masses through The Dirt, Sazón’s target demographic arrived in bulk. According to the restaurant’s manager, Sazón ran out of maduros immediately after the men’s track team arrived at WU.