UNDISCLOSED OFF-CAMPUS FRAT HOUSE LOCATION, DURHAM NC — Wristbands, mailing lists, and bouncers might be traditional ways to ensure frat parties don’t get packed like industrial animal farms, but the brothers of Kappa Kappa Kappa fraternity have been trying a new method of crowd control: tear gas.
“We wanted to strike a perfect balance between having lit parties and showing that we do care about some of our guests,” explained Kyle Lambert, the president of the fraternity. “We love a rowdy crowd, and we’re inspired by police states and political violence around the world.”
Lambert proceeded to list several benefits of using the chemical weapon at parties, explaining that “one it doubles as a pretty cool smoke machine, second if people do vomit from it we can always say they drank too much, most importantly, if we have too low of a ratio with girls, we can always just get non brothers out by popping one off over their heads.”
At press time, the success of the new crowd control measure has prompted the fraternity to also experiment with using tear gas as air fresheners in their own section. Visitors have noted that, as an upside to the new policy, Kappa Kappa Kappa’s section smells a lot less like marijuana and urine now