VATICAN CITY—As a result of widespread church closures due to the COVID-19 pandemic, The Vatican has announced that God will begin conducting confessions via teleworking software Zoom.
In a message to the community, the Pope stated that “this is a great time for everyone to come together and repent—remotely of course.”
Essential Church clergy will be required to stay at work, shipping crosses and candles to believers that have filled out an online Qualtrics form.
In response to privacy concerns due to Zoom’s questionable data-gathering practices, God has promised that confessions will be kept “within heaven’s gates,” with the exception of those that are breathily gossiped about amongst the cherubim, who are all quite bored now that their beach week plans are ruined.
At press time, God urged repentance and charity before being cut short by accidentally activating Zoom’s mute function.