DURHAM, NC—After reports of floors collapsing in the luxury apartment complex 300 Swift, Duke HRL has taken swift action to investigate the cause of the issue. Students living in the building have been told to keep their orgies to “ten or fewer” and Cafe 300, formerly known as Thrive, has been shut down to encourage students to lose weight.
However, these measures have not been enough for students, who have continued to complain about how the absence of floors has been detrimental to their living experience. “I don’t know what is enough for these students,” comments Vice Provost Mary Pat McMahon. “You already have a full kitchen, living room, and balcony. What do you need floors for?”
Pushback from the media has led to drastic measures. “We don’t have the resources for this–we spent too much time and money tearing down the central campus,” McMahon stated. “Now, I can’t confirm or deny anything, but we at HRL have discovered a new and improved way of getting rid of the evidence—I mean—building.”