Hurricane snore-ian: sleepy student prays for property destruction



DURHAM, NC—As Hurricane Dorian’s death toll sharply mounts, sophomore Javier Zheng lies in his dorm room curled in several warm blankets and prays that it will hit North Carolina. Despite the severe weather warnings promising mass destruction in Central America and the Southern United States, Zheng refreshes his phone radar with hope that Hurricane Dorian will cause his Duke classes to be cancelled.


"This Hurricane is perfect—I've just really needed to catch up on my sleep," explains Zheng. "I had too many White Claws last night, and then I had this weird talk with my ex by the cage at Shooters. It was the biggest disaster of my life."


As property damage from Hurricane Dorian is estimated to total billions on the Grand Bahama Island alone, Zheng is hopeful that Durham could face similar conditions. “We’d probably get, like, a whole week off if that happened.”


When asked if he is worried about the damage, Zheng adds that "my biggest concern in all of this is whether I should do my readings. My professors haven’t emailed us about it yet, and having to do homework tonight would be devastating."


At press time, Zheng is burning as much plastic as he can in the hopes of speeding up global warming and bringing more class-cancelling natural disasters to Durham.