TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA—Turmoil erupted in political circles earlier this week as the Nation came to realize that the former Governor of Florida, John Ellis “Jeb!” Bush has gone missing. After scouring through his wife’s phone, authorities have concluded he has been missing since March 23, 2021, citing a text reading, “I locked myself out of car. In Walmart parking lot. Uh oh,” she had received and promptly ignored.
Authorities were reportedly alerted to Mr. Bush’s disappearance when his wife, Mrs. Columba Bush, reported feeling “ominously entertained and uplifted” on her personal Twitter page. “I thought he was just lost,” said his older brother, George W. “War Criminal” Bush. “Jeb, he usually does these types of things, I wasn’t too worried. I also don’t really give a rat’s ass about that oaf.”
The Florida politician, famous for asking people to “please clap,” has been described as, “looking like he’d be allergic to water.” The unremarkable man, who has expressed enthusiasm for exclamation marks, has been out of the forefront of politics—or anyone’s life, for that matter—ever since his bid for the Republican nomination in 2016 that can only be described as “an attempt.”
“I was, um, well, ah, I… Well, the truth of the matter is that when I heard the news, the first thing I asked was who that was…” Florida Governor Ron DeSantis told the press. After interrupting the press conference to beat the shit out of a masked reporter, Governor DeSantis continued to add “Ya know, Jeb Bush is Jeb Bush. And uh, it’s important we… uh… shit… um…” After five minutes of silence, he then proceeded to avoid any mention of Governor Bush and went on a tangent about how vaccines will, in fact, make testicles grow in your armpits.
Federal authorities have made and will continue to make ) no effort to find Governor Bush in an effort to please the general public.