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Kilgo Laundry Thief and Few Arsonist overshadowed by more terrifying Edens Toe Tickler

DURHAM, NC—Although the fear and isolation of the Covid-19 pandemic have ended for the majority of campus, the same cannot be said for the residents of Edens Quad. Many students have clung to their little piggies in fear of the notorious Edens Toe Tickler. We spoke with one of the Toe Tickler’s recent victims, John Sinathan.

“I haven’t taken my socks off in twelve days,” says Sinathan. “I thought I was safe, until I saw a set of fingers creep out of the vent on my floor. I tried to back away, but its fingers just kept growing. My door locked itself so I couldn’t escape. The walls began to ooze green slime. I can still feel its fingers weaving through my toes.”

Other victims share similar stories, some going as far to say that the tickler was “waiting inside my boots” and that it would “work down the line” sucking each of their toes. With this new information in mind, this reporter has decided it is their journalistic duty to seek out this creature and keep it locked in their room–to protect everyone else, of course–from its vile, definitely non-desirable, toe suckage.



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