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New basketball coach with stutter under fire for praising legacy of “Coach KKK”

DUKE UNIVERSITY—Following the bombshell announcement of Coach K’s retirement after a legendary 40+ year career, new Head Coach Jon Scheyer is already in hot water after a controversial press release.

When asked about his plans for the future of Duke basketball, Scheyer told reporters, “First and f-f-foremost, I want to honor the enormous, inspiring legacy of Coach K-K-K.”

After an uncomfortable silence broken only by fingers rapidly typing tweets and Michael Savarino gulping audibly, Scheyer further clarified his statement: “I apologize for my previous comment, you see, I have a stutter. I want to make it absolutely clear that I support K-K-K, not the KKK—oh goddamn it!” Scheyer attempted a quick exit, then proceeded to fall off the stage and hit his head. Once given an ice pack and a Gatorade, he explained his excitement to take the “White Knights, I mean Blue Devils, to new places.”

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