OFFICE OF INSTITUTIONAL EQUITY—A new study published by Duke University researchers has revealed that all so-called “research fraud” is, in fact, entirely legal.
“We were as surprised as anyone,” commented primary investigator Dr. O’ Halligan. “I’d say our primary reaction is excitement. Excitement for the new grant money—I mean new research frontiers we’re about to discover,” he added.
A few members of O’ Halligan’s research team have suggested that some of the data may be forged. “We’ll need further research to investigate these claims,” responded O’ Halligan to the accusations. “I’ve already started applying for further grants to investigate the issue.”
President Price hailed the new research as “promising” and “yet another example of Duke’s world class status as an entirely benevolent research institution capable of scamming the American Government.”
In unrelated news, the President has earmarked millions dollars for a “pre-emptive federal donation" for "when this whole thing inevitably goes down in flames.”