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Op-ed: Your Emotional Support Service Animal Shouldn’t Need a Service Animal

Hear me out, y’all. Before you open Twitter and cancel me off the face of the Earth, I am not attacking Emotional Support Animals or their validity–that is an Op-Ed left for the end of the year. I am just saying that certain animals are just too old or too dumb to be service animals.

For example, I think there is a certain reasonable age where you should retire your wrinkled, raisin-like companion, for their sake. I’ve seen multiple “service” animals that shake like a Vietnam War veteran trying to play Call of Duty. I’ve even seen service animals wearing diapers. I’ve looked into their eyes and just seen the void. Just let the little guy relax at home. They look like they’re tired of your personal shit.

Other animals are legitimately as dumb as a box of rocks. I mean, I love an adorable oaf as much as the next guy, but I don’t think some of these emotional support animals even know who their owners are. I’ve seen an emotional support pug walking around and bumping into walls like a fucking Roomba. My cousin has an emotional support animal that will piss itself when it’s happy, sad, or feels any emotion. At that point, the “emotional support animal” is just an allergy-inducing burden.

But some of you may be wondering what to do without your furry trauma dumping buddy. Just get a significant other. Valentine’s Day is here and everybody knows a relationship will fix you.



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