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Plan B included in new student dining plan

DURHAM, NC—Duke University has proposed new measures to curve accelerating college pregnancy rates. After having to implement Grandparents Weekend in lieu of Parents Weekend due to unprecedented rates of Duke babies, for the administration, they felt there was no other option.

“Look, they’re poppin Plan B like Tic Tacs anyway, why not meet them where they are?” adds Clay Adams, Dean of Students and Director for Parent and Family Programs.

While the ongoing protests of this policy by the Pampers Union are still in full effect, Duke has made it clear that baby mommas on campus need to decrease by 2022.

Plan B will be available for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and emergency 3 AM Pitchfork’s runs. There will also be personal Plan B butlers stationed at every dorm common room. While free condoms and health advice will be available perennially, this new measure might just stamp out the upswing for good.

Editor’s Note: The author was unable to finish the article, due to her giving birth. Another college mom! Better luck next time, Duke.



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