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President Price legalizes marijuana in bid for re-election

DURHAM, N.C.—As the 2024 election cycle is upon us, President Price is grasping for straws to appeal to the progressive caucuses in Craven. One such policy that Price has implemented is the legalization of marijuana. 

“Considering Duke University's campus atmosphere, I’ve decided to legalize marijuana so everyone can calm down a little and I can hotbox my office,” says Price. “I mean, students already show up high to class, as do I, so why not just acknowledge it?”

A Brown University study recently revealed that stoners perform better on exams and assignments due to “increased mental clarity” and “chiller vibes.”

UPDATE: Price recently announced a similar policy of legalizing prostitution in order to reduce hypocrisy within the Office of the President.



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