Report: Everyone does hate you, but hey, at least you were right!



DURHAM, NC—You may occasionally worry everyone around you actually hates you. Maybe they’re all pretending to like you as some kind of cruel joke. Maybe they feel bad for you and your pathetic, miserable self. And maybe sometimes you can convince yourself that no, that’s not true–they really do care about you and enjoy your presence.


But rest assured, you were right! They do hate you. All those hours you spent worrying weren’t wasted—they were well deserved.


What a relief to know you were right all along. No more trying to convince yourself that you were being “irrational” or that “there must be at least one person who really cares.” There isn’t.


Look, it’s not the best that everyone hates you, but at least you can say you knew all along.


And even more good news: your partner is cheating on you. Called it!