THE UNITED STATES—All across our great nation, the lower class is rejoicing. The widespread expectation of masks has allowed for the merely common-looking to pass seamlessly through the facial judgement of the healthy and well endowed.
“We restrict our breathing. We restrict our nearness. This is a new age of rules and regulations. And in these restrictions, we are freed,” said a particularly unattractive man on the street. “No longer must we hide in the shadows. The facially asymmetric. The spitty talkers. The deviated septums. All of us, finally free to converse with the slim and beautiful.”
He continued, “What? You think you’re better than us ‘cause you all had braces?! Well news flash, we had braces too. We just stopped wearing our retainers and our teeth shifted because we aren’t afraid of change. That’s right, the playing field is finally leveled; you won’t even see the weird patchy beard that I’ve grown in quarantine. What’re you gonna do now? ”
One black man has taken it a step further, “I go onto dating apps and into singles gatherings wearing a full ski mask, gloves, long pants and sleeves. I apply white antiviral cream on any remaining exposed skin. Needless to say, I haven’t gotten COVID. What I have gotten is 80 new tinder matches and a promotion. I drove past a cop going 30 over the speed limit while carrying a gun and texting; they didn’t pull me over.”
According to the unattractive man on the street, the worst is yet to come:
“Just you wait for winter,” he warns us. “Those huge puffy coats to hide our bodies, cool hipster beanies to protect our receding hairlines. Then everyone will be attractive. And when everyone’s attractive… No one is.“