Tommy Hessel rips off face mask, revealing true identity is Tim Skapek


DURHAM, NC—Emerging victorious from the heated battle, Tommy Hessel reportedly approached our desolate campus with a huge grin only to viciously claw the skin from his face. To the fear and awe of those few students present, he revealed himself as Tim Skapek. Students claim that he began his uninvited acceptance speech with the proclamation “Fear not mortals! It is I, Tim, walk-on football team kicker, founder of Protect3d prosthetics, and rightful heir to the Young Trustee fortune!” He continued, “Remember when I won all that money at that start-up conference? I invested all of it in this 3D printed body. I invented Tommy Hessel. Yes, like god, I have invented man.” While the crowd muttered worriedly to themselves, Skapek shouted, “Come, Nagini!” Out of the shadows, DSG attorney general John Markis was seen running to Skapek before transforming into a snake and wrapping himself lovingly, sensuously, around our new President’s legs. Much to the surprise of the listeners, Skapek began with an important policy point, “My first item on the agenda… no more campaigns.” When asked about his election and the possible eligibility issues of electing a senior under false pretenses, Winston Yau, a sophomore who remained on campus, told us, “Look. The guy is a winner. And besides, he’s better than Biden.”