The Fluke News Staff
After Series of Typos, Donald Trump Files Presidential Candidacy in Armenia
MAR-A-LAGO, FL—After carelessly rushing to file his FEC paperwork, former President Donald Trump accidentally registered his campaign for...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Liz Truss actually just Boris Johnson in disguise
DOWNING STREET, LONDON—As Liz Truss descended the stairs of 10 Downing Street this morning, a large bird, most likely a very brave...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
INVESTING PRODIGY: Paul Pelosi named Fuqua's next James B. Duke Professor of Finance
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—After years of perfect investments, Paul Pelosi has been named Fuqua’s next James B. Duke Professor of Finance. Pelosi...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Confused stoner rejoices as Ted Budd declares victory
ASHEVILLE, NC—Hotboxes and dispensaries erupted with glee earlier today at the news that Ted Budd, Republican candidate for the North...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 9, 2022
- 1 min
Blue Tenter Says Poll Line “Too Long”
DURHAM, NC––Following midterm elections on November 8th, reports have surfaced of Duke students complaining about the length of the line...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Running Out of Causes to Champion, PETA Turns Attention to Toppled Scooters That “Look Sad”
DURHAM, NC—This week, miniature gravesites could be found around campus to raise awareness for Spin scooter abuse and neglect. The...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 20, 2022
- 1 min
Kanye spotted running away from WU with AirDrop open
DUKE UNIVERSITY—On Saturday, there was a commotion in the Broadhead Center after an unknown menace airdropped hate speech to unsuspecting...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Ciceronian Society announces its own climate pledge: burning barrels of oil for fun
ABELE QUAD—In the aftermath of Duke’s recent climate commitment announcement, campus’ leading band of intellectuals and deep thinkers has...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 8, 2022
- 1 min
India invades UK to help stabilize the country during turbulent time
LONDON, UK—After leading the British government for seven decades, Queen Elizabeth II’s passing has left some enormous shoes to fill. Not...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11, 2022
- 1 min
War criminal calls war criminal war criminal, surprising war criminals everywhere
THE WORLD—Despite widespread knowledge of this war criminal’s history of commiting crimes against humanity in the region, this is the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 6, 2022
- 0 min
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 3, 2022
- 1 min
Chevron intern promises to solve climate change from the inside
HOUSTON, TX—When junior Pita Davidson was looking for a way to help fight the climate crisis, he looked to none other than one of the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 1 min
Frat bro discovers Duke is not named after KKK Grand Wizard, demands refund over false advertising
DURHAM, NC—After a riveting drunken debate and an internet search that took 15 minutes longer than it should have, noted roofie-master...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 2 min
“Liberal 'No Nut November' breaches our American liberty,” says Ciceronian Society
DURHAM, NC—In a press release that we only read because we had to, the Ciceronian Society expressed opposition to the widely observed...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 21, 2021
- 2 min
Jeb Bush reportedly missing for 7 months, nobody noticed
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA—Turmoil erupted in political circles earlier this week as the Nation came to realize that the former Governor of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 17, 2021
- 2 min
Poli-Sci major enlightens international student about his own country
SOUTHGATE COMMONS—Gerardo Lionel Castillo (Pratt ’25) had not expected to learn about his home country when he came to Duke. The freshman...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jul 1, 2021
- 1 min
Return to Normalcy: Known serial rapist’s conviction overturned for bullshit legal reason
PENNSYLVANIA SUPREME COURT—With Bill Cosby’s 2018 convictions of sexual assault thrown out, Americans can sigh a collective breath of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 13, 2021
- 1 min
"Biden is not healthy enough to be president," says guy who doesn't believe in getting vaccinated
WEST UNION—After viewing a video of Joe Biden falling down the steps of Air Force One sophomore John Russell bravely stated his belief...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 13, 2021
- 1 min
J&J vaccine rollout paused after revealed to be just “No Tear, 2 in 1 Baby Shampoo and Conditioner”
J&J HEADQUARTERS—The Fluke was recently able to receive special permission to visit one of the Johnson and Johnson vaccine factories. Our...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 30, 2021
- 1 min
Breaking: Freed Suez Canal ship heads to Georgia for next voter blocking bill
ATLANTA,GA—Inspired by the Evergreen ship’s ability to block the free flow of goods at the Suez Canal for days, the Georgian State...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 30, 2021
- 1 min
After watching “MONTERO” video, this heterosexual, women-loving Cru member has faith crisis
DURHAM, NC—Following a mention of the new Lil Nas X music video from his preacher, local cru member Jake had to see what all of the fuss...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 9, 2021
- 2 min
Trump alludes to a third run—The Fluke predicts his mile time
ORLANDO, FL—In his first public remarks since moving to Florida, Trump spoke at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference. The...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 1, 2021
- 1 min
Trump apologizes for divisive rhetoric, inciting riot at CPAC
ORLANDO, FL.—In his first public appearance since departing the White House, former President Donald Trump took to the stage last night...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 23, 2021
- 1 min
Trump acquitted—Officially as innocent as OJ!
WASHINGTON, D.C.—With a 57 to 43 vote, the US Senate failed to convict Trump, making the former president officially as innocent as OJ...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 17, 2021
- 1 min
Biden dismisses Uighur concentration camps: "Genocide is just part of China's culture"
MILWAUKEE, WI—In last night’s CNN Town Hall with Anderson Cooper, Joe Biden responded to concerns about China’s recent extreme violation...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Dec 19, 2020
- 1 min
Trump signs new Executive Order unilaterally banning Eumelanin in the US
WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a rush to leave his legacy during his remaining days in office, Donald Trump signed into existence a Executive Order...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 13, 2020
- 2 min
Campaign Blunder: Trump goes to Transylvania instead of Pennsylvania
TRANSYLVANIA—Television personality Donald Trump held a campaign rally in Transylvania the day before the election. Speaking to an...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 12, 2020
- 3 min
Desperate White House staffers bring in cast of Sesame Street to explain to Trump how elections work
Washington, D.C.— As Trump continues to vehemently protest the results of the 2020 Election by making numerous illegitimate claims of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 8, 2020
- 2 min
New cabinet position created: Secretary of Checking if Biden Died in His Sleep
Washington, DC—After four days of waiting, former Vice President Joe Biden has officially surpassed the 270 electoral vote threshold to...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 31, 2020
- 2 min
Joe Biden injured in fight with his “terrifying evil clone,” later determined to be his reflection
DELAWARE—“Keep it together jack,” Joe muttered to himself softly. He sat alone on the edge of his bed in darkness, trying desperately to...
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