Duke students deemed enemies of democracy after revelation that 0% of current undergrads voted in pivotal 2000 election
White guy with buzzcut and zero self-awareness afraid of people finding out he's Republican
Nope, not touching it: Stuff is probably going down in the Middle East but we’re applying for jobs
Marxist student receives Laundrymen service
Toddlers flock to swing states with promise of playground fun
University builds tent for DKU students after Epworth pipe burst
Student Nominated for Oscar After Mastering “Forgot My Wallet” Face at Hurricane Relief Table
Ex-racist Duke student found ‘not guilty’ after reporting having Black neighbors
Biden Declares Intention to be Obama's Running Mate
“They fixed it all”: Duke Provost’s Forum on the Middle East prompts United Nations to disband
Biden drops out, of a coconut tree and forgets the context from which he came
"Christian Girl Autumn" bashed for discrimination, replaced with ‘Non-denominational Person Harvest’
Student Studying Urban Sprawl Drives Car to East
CIA places Iranian Ayatollah’s hand in bowl of warm water in effort to start profitable prank war
Conservative NC lawmakers ban TransLoc, to be replaced with CisLoc
Trump Charged, Golden Hairs Stand On End
Labradors from Duke Puppy Kindergarten unionize, cite 90-hour work weeks and not enough chew toys
Marjorie Taylor Greene handcuffs self to Capitol until Hunter Biden kills himself
Aww! Guy in ethics class will order drone strikes one day
Cesarean Society Protests Vaginal Births
Feinstein staffers assure public they can still put a hand up her ass and make her mouth move
Dianne Feinstein tries running for senate as Fianne Deinstein
DMV Unbans LGBT+ License Plates, Rebans Gay Marriage
Kamala Harris claims she also has classified documents in desperate attempt to feel included
Biden: “The East Palestine train wreck proves the workers who run it don’t deserve to unionize”
In desperate fundraising email, Pelosi promises donors “teensy bit” of insider trading information
Elon Musk OWNS Twitter liberals by mowing down family of five with Cybertruck
After Series of Typos, Donald Trump Files Presidential Candidacy in Armenia
Liz Truss actually just Boris Johnson in disguise
INVESTING PRODIGY: Paul Pelosi named Fuqua's next James B. Duke Professor of Finance
Confused stoner rejoices as Ted Budd declares victory
Blue Tenter Says Poll Line “Too Long”
Running Out of Causes to Champion, PETA Turns Attention to Toppled Scooters That “Look Sad”
Kanye spotted running away from WU with AirDrop open
Ciceronian Society announces its own climate pledge: burning barrels of oil for fun
India invades UK to help stabilize the country during turbulent time
Chevron intern promises to solve climate change from the inside
Frat bro discovers Duke is not named after KKK Grand Wizard, demands refund over false advertising
“Liberal 'No Nut November' breaches our American liberty,” says Ciceronian Society
Poli-Sci major enlightens international student about his own country
Breaking: Freed Suez Canal ship heads to Georgia for next voter blocking bill
After watching “MONTERO” video, this heterosexual, women-loving Cru member has faith crisis
Trump alludes to a third run—The Fluke predicts his mile time
Trump acquitted—Officially as innocent as OJ!
Trump signs new Executive Order unilaterally banning Eumelanin in the US
Campaign Blunder: Trump goes to Transylvania instead of Pennsylvania
Desperate White House staffers bring in cast of Sesame Street to explain to Trump how elections work
New cabinet position created: Secretary of Checking if Biden Died in His Sleep
Joe Biden injured in fight with his “terrifying evil clone,” later determined to be his reflection