The Fluke News Staff
Bitter Long Distance Partner Thumbs Up "I love you" Message
DURHAM, NC—A lonely night in Duke University’s Few Quad just got lonelier as sophomore Jessica Parker (Trinity ‘25) received a frigid...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 2 min
Short Friends are the New Lap Dogs: How to Get One and Keep Them Happy
DURHAM, NC—As the leaves fall, temperatures drop, and Christian Girl Autumn fits are liberated from the closet, people are flocking to...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Local dead woman worries her murder wasn’t podcast-worthy
NEW YORK, N.Y.—This past week, 26-year-old Amaya Jacobs was found murdered in a less-gentrified part of the city. Police say the suspect...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
SNU to look at familial assets instead of bands for party access
HAMPTONS, NY—Each blossoming school year brings with it the sweet promise of a more refined Duke. For SNU President William McKinsey,...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 7, 2022
- 2 min
Elephant really tired of being only one addressed in the room
PERKINS LIBRARY—For a student, becoming an elephant may seem advantageous, what with the personal trunk and ability to never forget. But...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 7, 2022
- 1 min
Fraternity vows to reach carbon neutrality in response to hurricane canceling darty
DURHAM, NC––Hurricane Ian recently swept its way up the East coast, wrecking houses, property and people. The aforementioned victims,...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 13, 2022
- 1 min
Tik Tok set to release all drafts by noon
THE UNITED STATES—According to TikTok CEOs Kevin A. Mayer and Zhang Yiming, all drafts are set to be released at noon today. Every...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11, 2022
- 1 min
“Only in New York” says person who’s lived in New York for two days
NEW YORK, N.Y.—After witnessing a homeless man politely asking for spare change—a common occurrence in any populated area of the United...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11, 2022
- 1 min
"For $200, I'll paint my nails," says man who's very comfortable with his masculinity
DURHAM, NC– In a stunning display of courage, [name redacted because their parents threatened to sue] Fraternity hosted an event to raise...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 8, 2022
- 1 min
5 Strategies to Get Better in Bed: Sleep with Other Men for Practice
“Babe, you have to understand, I slept with her for you!” Too often do girls hear these words from their faithful, loving, handsome...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 14, 2022
- 1 min
It’s not a “self-care” day, you’re just single
DURHAM, NC—Isabel Solita (Trinity ‘25) got a manicure, put on an avocado sheet mask, and thought to herself—why am I so desperately...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 30, 2022
- 1 min
How to get you and your mom tickets to the Sigma Freud mixer
THE BARN—You’ve heard about it everywhere. From your lab partners to strangers in the line of shooters, even the geeds are talking about...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 2 min
ATO throws party, everyone feels safe, has fun
DURHAM, NC—Duke’s Alpha Tau Omega fraternity threw a party this weekend, and it was everything we’ve come to expect from one of their...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 27, 2021
- 1 min
In desperate last-ditch attempt to get laid, man paints nails black
DURHAM, NC—“I’ve tried everything,” sighed Michael James (T’ 23). Michael, who has even worn five-inch inseam shorts in an attempt to...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 22, 2021
- 2 min
“I found my people,” explains girl who changed her entire personality to fit in over zoom
DURHAM, NC—For Lauren Ziebler (Trinity ‘24), Bid Day provided a new home. “Even though I’d already met half of the sisters at Devine’s...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 18, 2021
- 1 min
Rapper Flo Centi knew she should have dreamed bigger with her name
Staring wistfully out the window in her Atlanta home, local rapper Flo Centi sighed deeply as she placed her head into her hands. “I knew...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 18, 2021
- 1 min
How to use dating apps when you hate any photo a man chooses of himself
DURHAM, NC—Have you seen too many pictures that are more fish than man? Are you starting to think cargo pants might not be so bad? Do you...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 30, 2021
- 1 min
After watching “MONTERO” video, this heterosexual, women-loving Cru member has faith crisis
DURHAM, NC—Following a mention of the new Lil Nas X music video from his preacher, local cru member Jake had to see what all of the fuss...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 14, 2021
- 2 min
In honor of Black History Month, sororities' rush themes to include "hip-hop" and "ACAB" days
HOLLOWS A—A sorority sister wearing a “Systemic racism sucks” shirt and earrings reading “White solidarity” opens the door as “Sicko...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 14, 2021
- 2 min
Greek life asks all rushees to use "tú" in place of "usted" during informal rush
DURHAM, NC — This week, the Fluke News obtained an email sent out to male-identifying freshmen and sophomores about Greek Life’s informal...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 6, 2021
- 3 min
The Fluke News Exclusive Interview with UNCVirginity
The University of North Carolina is ranked as one of the nation’s top schools in sending students home. However, UNC is currently...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2020
- 2 min
Profile: Meet the Frat Boy who pledges to reform KKK from within
Charles “Charlie” Moran, 18, sits down at the interview in a casual, crystalline white hoodie and what appears to be an upside-down Cross...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 14, 2020
- 2 min
The Great Equalizer: Ugly people in masks can now flirt with attractive people
THE UNITED STATES—All across our great nation, the lower class is rejoicing. The widespread expectation of masks has allowed for the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jun 17, 2020
- 2 min
Asian mom breaks silence on anti-black racism: "You know I had it hard too, right?"
BAY AREA, CA—The recent protests on police brutality and anti-black racism have sparked many discussions in households across the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 25, 2020
- 1 min
PASH hosts session to pleasure you like your man never could
CLASSROOM BUILDING, EAST CAMPUS–Last Tuesday, PASH hosted a successful session to pleasure you like your man never could. In an attempt...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 25, 2020
- 1 min
Pokemon Club most diverse on campus, has 807 different types
DURHAM, NC–In the war against tokenism, there is no braver soldier than Pikachu. The Duke Pokemon Club has proudly announced that they’ve...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 18, 2020
- 1 min
Girl adds joining a low-tier sorority to Volunteer section of resume
DURHAM, NC—This rush season, Jessica Glad, of the Glad trash bag fortune, felt like giving back. Rather than join the ranks of the Key...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 28, 2020
- 1 min
Q&A: Mirecourt rushee excited to fear own living space
DURHAM, NC— As rush season concludes, Duke students are often left with questions regarding the process. How do deliberations work? Who...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 22, 2020
- 1 min
"I'm just here with my friends," says first-year who would kill a small child to get into Cooper
CROWELL EE–First-year rushee Becky Briggs has been telling both herself and others that she isn’t really serious about rush, because...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 20, 2020
- 1 min
Despite commitment to diversity, sorority has no Geminis
DURHAM, NC — Amidst the chants and half-hearted embraces with their new sisters, the key three sororities welcomed their latest pledge...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Dec 4, 2019
- 1 min
Man supports times up, but wouldn't mind being catcalled himself
DURHAM, NC— Sophomore Justin Blanco told his friend on Tuesday that while he’s “all for” the cause of Times Up, he personally “won’t...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Dec 3, 2019
- 1 min
Update: He doesn't like you, he genuinely just likes playing Cup Pong
DURHAM, NC — Sources confirm that local heartbreaker Mason Cooper’s constant Cup Pong requests, often mistaken for flirtation and actual...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 27, 2019
- 1 min
Turkey pardoned this year was a war criminal
When will this administration realize it’s going too far? This Thanksgiving, the president used the pardon traditionally given to a...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 19, 2019
- 1 min
The floor is lava (and by lava we mean a mixture of beer, glitter, and urine)
DURHAM, NC — Multiple Duke fraternities have recently devised a fun twist on 2017’s viral “the floor is lava” game. It’s a trend that’s...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 15, 2019
- 1 min
Opinion: Guys, I’m sooooo drunk
SHOOTERS II — You may see me at Shooters right now, and you may be intimidated by my sloppy dancing and rowdy behavior. You may have...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2019
- 1 min
Frat tries tear gas for crowd control
UNDISCLOSED OFF-CAMPUS FRAT HOUSE LOCATION, DURHAM NC — Wristbands, mailing lists, and bouncers might be traditional ways to ensure frat...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 30, 2019
- 1 min
Freshman ready to be anything but himself for Halloween
EAST CAMPUS—Halloween season is approaching and no one is more excited than current freshman James Young, who is ready to dress up and...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 29, 2019
- 1 min
“Being a cat for Halloween is so basic,” complains boy wearing jersey for 4th consecutive year
DURHAM, NC—Local fraternity member Chad Holt bravely spoke out against a popular girl’s Halloween costume: being a cat. “It’s just that...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 22, 2019
- 1 min
Report: Even white friend thinks your self deprecating jokes about your race are "a little too much"
DURHAM, NC—While you have been using stereotypes of your own race to fit into your white friend group, your latest rounds of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 21, 2019
- 1 min
Start ‘Em Young: Shooters bus now stopping at Durham Public Schools
DURHAM, NC—Following the success of the Shooters bus stops at Duke, the popular bar has decided to extend its services to Durham Public...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2019
- 1 min
Somebody tooted…
DURHAM, NC—This past week some little stinker let a little stinker slip out. Oopsie! Bad smell, guys! My buddy asked me, “Who ripped...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 17, 2019
- 1 min
Woke king always asks for consent, just doesn’t take no for an answer
DURHAM, NC—The rise of the Me Too movement has inspired local feminist Charlie Nicholls to begin respectfully asking women for consent....
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 10, 2019
- 1 min
Op-ed: Is he attractive or just unavailable?
DURHAM, NC—Often times, it’s important to take a step back and reevaluate: is that guy really your dream man, or is he just unavailable...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 25, 2019
- 1 min
Now homeless DSig brothers takeover Allen building
ALLEN BUILDING—Members of the Delta Sigma Phi Fraternity moved to occupy the Allen Building on Sunday in a bid to bring attention to what...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 20, 2019
- 1 min
Adorable! Local boy thinks he discovered BROCKHAMPTON
DURHAM, NC—Aaron Hartung has been spotted at several parties asking girls if they know BROCKHAMPTON. Upon being told that yes, they do...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 18, 2019
- 1 min
Your roommate's not an introvert, they just hate you
EAST CAMPUS — While the awkward head nods, the forced smiles when you make eye contact, and the often absent responses to your attempts...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 12, 2019
- 1 min
After getting into their top choice, SLG rushee now vocally opposes the rush process
ALSPAUGH DORM, EAST CAMPUS—A mere two weeks after accepting a bid in Maxwell House, Duke first-year Cindy Ridley is taking a hard stance...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 17, 2019
- 1 min
Freshman rushing RDU
NC 147-S—Fraternity and sorority rush season is officially here, which means students across campus such as freshman Joe Green are...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 17, 2019
- 1 min
Duke study shows new form of colorblindness that prevents frat brothers from seeing non-pastel color
DURHAM, NC—A recent Duke study conducted by Dr. Pyotr McAdams has revealed a novel form of colorblindness that prevents the afflicted...
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