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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 25, 2024
West House dresses up as a mold-free dorm for halloween
DURHAM, N.C.— On the evening of October 31st, an eerie silence spread across East Campus’s West House. Out of its 90 hostages, not a...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 25, 2024
Former McDonald's employee spotted fixing new Marketplace ice cream machine
DURHAM, NC — Just hours into its reveal, the brand new soft-serve machine in East campus’s Marketplace broke, breaking the hearts of...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 25, 2024
Econ major points out that if you were to then you probably could systemize as long as you do and account for that
DURHAM, N.C. — If there’s one takeaway every Duke student has during their time in University, it is the grandeur of the Econ major....
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 25, 2024
Duke students deemed enemies of democracy after revelation that 0% of current undergrads voted in pivotal 2000 election
DURHAM, N.C.—A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center sent shockwaves through Duke’s campus. According to the nonpartisan fact...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 25, 2024
"I'm Seeing Two of You!" Admits situationship who lost his glasses
DURHAM, N.C.— Freshman Giana Cameron’s world stopped last Saturday night after the love of her life, fellow freshman Jacob Walker,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 2024
White guy with buzzcut and zero self-awareness afraid of people finding out he's Republican
DURHAM, N.C.—While Jackson Reagan (P ‘27) loves a lot of things about Duke, he takes issue with one tiny aspect of the school. “When I...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 2024
RAs hold baked goods for freshman in new Hansel and Gretel scheme
DURHAM, N.C.— Following Tuesday’s school-wide Residential Assistant (RA) assembly, a new plan has been announced to foster a familial...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 2024
Pretentious much? This “guy” says he “read” a “whole book” for “fun”
DURHAM, N.C.—Due to the prevailing stereotype that Duke students are smug, haughty, upper-class young people, many students have gone to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 2024
Nope, not touching it: Stuff is probably going down in the Middle East but we’re applying for jobs
DURHAM, N.C.—Alarming reports have been pouring in for over a year now that there are things currently happening in the Middle East. More...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 2024
Meet “Misery Lot,” parking for the proletariat
DURHAM, N.C.—Even the grubbiest little freshman is familiar with “Miracle Lot,” the collection of notoriously elusive parking spaces at...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 2024
Marxist student receives Laundrymen service
DURHAM, N.C.—While not studying for his economics classes, Max Lennon (T ‘26) can often be found on campus perusing various leftist...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 6, 2024
Op-ed: One of the suspended stairs in WU has a wee crack in it, but I won’t tell you which
DURHAM, N.C.—There I was, creeping my way through WU, silent as a mouse (as I always tend to be), when I saw it: a wee crack, right...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 6, 2024
Toddlers flock to swing states with promise of playground fun
HARRISBURG, PA — As the election rapidly approaches, countless reports have emerged of toddlers escaping the grasps of their parents and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 24, 2024
Students desperately try to piece together professor’s life from 3 second flashes of their YouTube recommendations
DURHAM, N.C.—To most of her students, Spanish Professor Jennifer Hart is an enigma. While most professors mention some biographical...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 23, 2024
Project Wild freshmen instructed not to shower all semester
DURHAM, NC—Controversy arose last night after a whistleblower leaked secret instructions from Project Wild orientation leaders, telling...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 23, 2024
Celebrating Duke’s Centennial: The Short History of How Duke’s “Angry and Abstinent” Club Became Today’s Line Monitors
DURHAM, N.C.— Ever wonder what could possess a person to call a P-Check at 3 am in 30-degree weather? Look no further than Duke’s elite...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 22, 2024
Greek Life Isn’t Greek?!?! Dismayed Freshmen Spotted in Togas on East Campus
DURHAM, N.C.— Durham fraternity members are reportedly “deeply frustrated” by toga-clad students swarming Greek life events. Various East...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 22, 2024
Get this on video!: Student rides BC Plaza bikes
DURHAM, NC — This past Thursday, a great phenomenon that stands unmatched in Duke’s history occurred on the now-monumental Bryan Center...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 21, 2024
Duke ID Replaced by Duke Ego
DURHAM, NC—On Wednesday, Vincent Price stood proudly alongside Duke psychology professor Ligmund Sneud on the concrete platform of BC...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 21, 2024
Depressed student surprised to get his picture taken: “Oh you meant THAT kind of chapel headshot"
DURHAM, N.C.—Mass confusion has spread around campus after several students who intended to contact Duke Chapel Headshots—a professional...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
University builds tent for DKU students after Epworth pipe burst
DURHAM, N.C.— A recent pipe burst in Epworth Residence Hall left dozens of DKU students without a home just days before the start of...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
Telling your friends that Duke is ranked over Penn is good for you. Here's how to do it best.
Leading up to September 24, Duke students anticipated this year’s USNWR college rankings with bated breath. If Duke went up, they would...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
Student Nominated for Oscar After Mastering “Forgot My Wallet” Face at Hurricane Relief Table
DURHAM, N.C.—Emilio Branson (T ‘26) was nominated for an Academy Award after a gut-wrenchingly beautiful performance of “I Forgot My...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
MLB Postseason underway, your annoying roommate sucks even more now
It’s the middle of the Championship Series. Unfortunately, your New York roommate can’t stop talking about how he really wants to see the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
Ex-racist Duke student found ‘not guilty’ after reporting having Black neighbors
DURHAM, N.C.—Following a three-week trial surrounding the claim that he is racist, Chad Gates (T ‘27) was released last Monday after a...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
Econ 101 student suggests placing tariffs on deported immigrants to maximize trade surplus
DURHAM, N.C.— Innovation is commonplace at Duke. The Duke community strives to uplift new ideas and graduate prepared to change the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
Duke announces plan to brag about Ed Sheeran concert for the next 100 years
DURHAM, NC — Duke University President Vincent Price announced on Saturday a new signature initiative aimed at constantly reminding...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
CSGD unveils The Sisteronian Societea for right-leaning members
DURHAM, NC—In response to growing anti-LGBTQ+ sentiment and action within the right-leaning organization The Ciceronian Society, the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
Devils deck DJ to be replaced by chapel bell rendition of “Mr. Brightside”
DURHAM, NC — Beginning in the 2025 season, music for Duke’s football games will be provided by none other than the campus’s very own...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
Bikes on BC Plaza make statement that cycling infrastructure is in fact going nowhere
DURHAM, NC—In a win for mobility advocates on campus, stationary bikes have been installed on Bryan Center Plaza. Duke University has...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
Biden Declares Intention to be Obama's Running Mate
WASHINGTON D.C.– President Joseph R. Biden officially confirmed last night that he was former President Barack Obama’s vice president and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
5 Ways To Introduce Your Situationship When You Run into Them With This Parents Weekend
DURHAM, N.C. — Worried about running into that not-so-special someone when your parents come to visit this weekend? We’ve all been there....
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
“They fixed it all”: Duke Provost’s Forum on the Middle East prompts United Nations to disband
NEW YORK, NY—The Secretary-General of the United Nations, António Guterres, has announced the dissolution of the nearly eight-decade-old...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 2024
“Main character” who thought nighttime escape was accompanied by soundtrack disappointed to find themself on stationary BC plaza bike
DURHAM, NC — Duke student is “traumatized” after attempting to flee from an attacker by bike, only to find themself atop a stationary BC...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jul 22, 2024
Biden drops out, of a coconut tree and forgets the context from which he came
SOMEWHERE ON AN ISLAND FAR, FAR AWAY— President Joseph Biden has come tumbling down a 40-foot coconut tree as reported last night by...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 1, 2024
After 119 Years, The Chronicle to Disband
It all started in 1905. The first report, the first interview, and, eventually, even the first-ever divisive opinion piece. For the past...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 2024
Progressive! 68% of fraternity members believe same-sex kissing is fine, as long as it’s between two straight girls at one of their parties
DURHAM, N.C.—In an unprecedentedly progressive effort to “bring the rainbow” to Greek life, Alpha Delta Phi (ADPhi) opened its arms to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 2024
Ozempic alternative? This middle-aged woman follows you around and calls you a fatty
SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH — Ozempic has taken the United States by storm. The promise of dropping tons of pounds has both celebrities and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 2024
Lucky girl gets to relive youth by spending 30 minutes covering pimple
DURHAM, N.C.—Sarah Lerman is a pretty typical 30-something-year-old. She is unhappily married and has a steady job as an accountant. She...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 2024
Marine Lab Sees Increase in Applications from Confused ROTC Students
BEAUFORT, NC—Stephen Toth, Director of the Duke Marine Lab, reports a high number of ROTC students applying to the Duke Marine Lab for...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 6, 2024
"No way to prevent this:" Student drowns in Abele Quad puddle
ABELE QUAD, DUKE UNIVERSITY—Adding to the dreariness and depression brought on by the most recent round of storms to hit campus, Kent...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
"Christian Girl Autumn" bashed for discrimination, replaced with ‘Non-denominational Person Harvest’
DURHAM, N.C.—The internet trend known as “Christian Girl Autumn” will no longer be celebrated at Duke University due to discrimination,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
A Capella Group “The Pitchforks” renamed “The Pitchspoons” to be more well-rounded
DURHAM, N.C.—Award-winning campus acapella group “The Pitchforks” decided last Saturday after a lively– and, at times, violent– Town...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
Baseball player loses his daily hat; what happens now?
DURHAM, N.C.—Tragedy struck Duke Athletics this past weekend when baseball player Todd Kernel (T ’25) lost his daily hat in a horrifying...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
Duke pledges $1 million for made free throw, “randomly selects” 90 year old English Professor
DURHAM, N.C.—The half-court challenge is a staple of the basketball game experience. Perfectly in line with the American ideals of an...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
Duke researchers find you’re the only one on campus struggling
DURHAM, N.C.—A recently published study by researchers at the Duke Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences found that you, the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
Duke to roll out artificial friend groups alongside artificial turf
DURHAM, N.C.— As climate awareness has grown over the past decade, sports fields across the country have gradually switched from thirsty...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
Duke In Madrid student horrified to learn Spanish women are not into Americans
“¿Cómo están chicas?” bellowed out Todd Barker (T ‘25) as he walked through the Madrid Airport. Finally beginning his semester abroad,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
Freshman ventures to Whole Foods, proud of themselves for bursting Duke bubble
DURHAM, N.C.—Freshman year offers a vast array of new experiences to wide-eyed youngsters, eager to spread their wings and soar into the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 2024
Golden Retriever Boyfriend Sent Upstate
DURHAM, N.C.—When Melissa Peterson (P ‘24) came home late one Friday night, she was disappointed not to see Cooper (No one knows) hanging...
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