The Fluke News Staff
Biden drops out, of a coconut tree and forgets the context from which he came
SOMEWHERE ON AN ISLAND FAR, FAR AWAY— President Joseph Biden has come tumbling down a 40-foot coconut tree as reported last night by...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 1
After 119 Years, The Chronicle to Disband
It all started in 1905. The first report, the first interview, and, eventually, even the first-ever divisive opinion piece. For the past...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26
Progressive! 68% of fraternity members believe same-sex kissing is fine, as long as it’s between two straight girls at one of their parties
DURHAM, N.C.—In an unprecedentedly progressive effort to “bring the rainbow” to Greek life, Alpha Delta Phi (ADPhi) opened its arms to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26
Ozempic alternative? This middle-aged woman follows you around and calls you a fatty
SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH — Ozempic has taken the United States by storm. The promise of dropping tons of pounds has both celebrities and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26
Lucky girl gets to relive youth by spending 30 minutes covering pimple
DURHAM, N.C.—Sarah Lerman is a pretty typical 30-something-year-old. She is unhappily married and has a steady job as an accountant. She...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26
Marine Lab Sees Increase in Applications from Confused ROTC Students
BEAUFORT, NC—Stephen Toth, Director of the Duke Marine Lab, reports a high number of ROTC students applying to the Duke Marine Lab for...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 6
"No way to prevent this:" Student drowns in Abele Quad puddle
ABELE QUAD, DUKE UNIVERSITY—Adding to the dreariness and depression brought on by the most recent round of storms to hit campus, Kent...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
"Christian Girl Autumn" bashed for discrimination, replaced with ‘Non-denominational Person Harvest’
DURHAM, N.C.—The internet trend known as “Christian Girl Autumn” will no longer be celebrated at Duke University due to discrimination,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
A Capella Group “The Pitchforks” renamed “The Pitchspoons” to be more well-rounded
DURHAM, N.C.—Award-winning campus acapella group “The Pitchforks” decided last Saturday after a lively– and, at times, violent– Town...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Baseball player loses his daily hat; what happens now?
DURHAM, N.C.—Tragedy struck Duke Athletics this past weekend when baseball player Todd Kernel (T ’25) lost his daily hat in a horrifying...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Duke pledges $1 million for made free throw, “randomly selects” 90 year old English Professor
DURHAM, N.C.—The half-court challenge is a staple of the basketball game experience. Perfectly in line with the American ideals of an...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Duke researchers find you’re the only one on campus struggling
DURHAM, N.C.—A recently published study by researchers at the Duke Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences found that you, the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Duke to roll out artificial friend groups alongside artificial turf
DURHAM, N.C.— As climate awareness has grown over the past decade, sports fields across the country have gradually switched from thirsty...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Duke In Madrid student horrified to learn Spanish women are not into Americans
“¿Cómo están chicas?” bellowed out Todd Barker (T ‘25) as he walked through the Madrid Airport. Finally beginning his semester abroad,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Freshman ventures to Whole Foods, proud of themselves for bursting Duke bubble
DURHAM, N.C.—Freshman year offers a vast array of new experiences to wide-eyed youngsters, eager to spread their wings and soar into the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Golden Retriever Boyfriend Sent Upstate
DURHAM, N.C.—When Melissa Peterson (P ‘24) came home late one Friday night, she was disappointed not to see Cooper (No one knows) hanging...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
In rare act of compassion, Vincent Price offers to lick away students' tears
DURHAM, N.C.—In a campus-wide email on Wednesday, Duke President Vincent Price acknowledged the emotional toil finals put upon students...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Mathematicians struggle to derive formula for calculating the Duke Difference
DURHAM, N.C.—Duke mathematics faculty may be well-versed in number theory and tanking the GPAs of undergraduates, but there’s one problem...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Op-ed: Is your white friend racist or do you really look like that other guy?
It’s a tale as old as time. You’re walking and you see your white friend up ahead coming toward you. You instinctively call out their...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Op-ed: Sometimes it’s better to pretend it’s Nutella
We’ve all been there: so eager to relieve ourselves as we hurry to the restroom only to be greeted by a Jackson Pollock image of brown on...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Pescatarian reveals he adopted the lifestyle out of spite towards fish
BEAUFORT, N.C.—Steven Stephenson seems like a typical, white, 45-year-old, twice-divorced father of three, but unlike many other typical...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Sazón introduces new lottery system in attempt to limit diners and curb crowds
WEST UNION— Duke’s study-abroad caps received such widespread support that Sazón has introduced a similar lottery system to limit its...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19
Temperatures drop, top one-percenters can now social signal with a sweater tied around their neck
DURHAM, N.C.—Dropping temperatures in North Carolina have prompted many Duke students to transition to warmer clothing, while...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Duke releases Latinx students from Bryan Center Basement for Hispanic Heritage Month
LA CASA, BRYAN CENTER— During the early morning hours of September 15th, 2023, students looked in awe as President Price marched down the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Duke to hire male interpreters for female speakers to repeat what they just said but louder
ABELE QUAD—As the class of 2024 don their gowns and prepares to toss their caps in the air, John Dawson (T ‘23, summa cum laude) noticed...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Everyone in seminar thrilled to hear 15-minute discussion between one student and professor
DURHAM, N.C.— On Tuesday morning, in “The Natural History of Economics and Philosophical Thought in Western France,” a 12-person seminar...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Heartwarming: East Campus pickleball player discovers a second hobby
DURHAM, N.C.— Anyone who has walked by Duke East Campus tennis courts literally one time ever knows that they are used for one thing and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Op-Ed: I am cold
DURHAM, N.C.—The crisp mornings and the advent of dusk as the clock approaches 6:00 pm is a clear sign that fall is upon us. Thinking...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Paranormal occurrences: Three blonde men in one room
DURHAM, N.C.—Halloween may be over, but you can still find proof that spirits wander the Earth. Just recently, three blonde men were...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
President Price announces he will make construction less of an eyesore by switching Duke’s colors to orange and black
DURHAM, N.C.—The recent invasion of fluorescent cones and bulldozers on Duke’s campus has prompted a shocking rebrand for the university....
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
President Price legalizes marijuana in bid for re-election
DURHAM, N.C.—As the 2024 election cycle is upon us, President Price is grasping for straws to appeal to the progressive caucuses in...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Professor reveals he mixes up non-white students because of dementia, not racism
DURHAM, N.C.—When Professor Salisbury began the 2023 Fall Semester, he made sure to set his students’ expectations with a minor change to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Professor shares totally appropriate anecdote about his marriage
DURHAM, N.C.—As cuffing season ramps up, many students are looking for hope and advice in the relationship sphere. Thankfully, professors...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Sinkhole swallows prospective student tour group on Abele Quad, new fence goes up
DURHAM, N.C.—Prospective students got an exclusive look at Duke’s ground(s) after a sinkhole on Abele Quad swallowed them whole. The...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Student Studying Urban Sprawl Drives Car to East
BLUE ZONE—Duke students are world-renowned for the ways their passionate activism creates positive change. A brave group of students have...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Student who took out second loan ecstatic to crank Duke Arts boxes that play fifteen seconds of music
DURHAM, N.C.—Starting last week, Duke students walking along the Bryan Center Plaza were greeted by large magenta Duke Arts boxes that...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Duke introduces new KYS initiative after CAPS therapists unionize
DURHAM, N.C.—In response to CAPS counselors voting to unionize last Thursday, the university has introduced the new Keep Youth Smiling...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Duke finally beats Ivies… in income inequality
DURHAM, N.C.—Elite universities around the country have been looking for new ways to one-up the top-tier Ivy institutions. Though Duke...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Duke adds 28 more stops to C-1 in effort to make commutes longer
DURHAM, N.C.—The “ding” of the C-1 stop request may be the soundtrack of student nightmares, but Duke is determined to let the buses...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Club Fishing investigated after Key Member of Duke Swim goes Missing
DURHAM, NC – Duke Club Fishing’s president Derek Droughning (‘24) has recently become the prime suspect in the disappearance of Mina...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
CIA places Iranian Ayatollah’s hand in bowl of warm water in effort to start profitable prank war
TEHRAN—Ayatollah Ali Khamenei woke up in a state of confusion last Sunday morning upon discovering his sheets were unexpectedly wet....
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Duke CAPS hires specialist for people who forgot their headphones this morning
DURHAM, N.C.—As more students face the traumatic roar of ambient noise and human voices, Duke CAPS takes steps to help, hiring a...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Back to its roots: Wayne announces Vietnam Vets will receive bands to Waynestock
DURHAM, NC—As the seasons turn and the warm winds of summer leave us once more, frats and “seriously guys we’re not a frat”s eagerly...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Anxious cannibal wants to bite your nails
BETHLEHEM, PA—Our world seems to be in constant chaos. Wars, fires, floods, coups; the news cycle feeds us tragedy after tragedy. For...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Conservative NC lawmakers ban TransLoc, to be replaced with CisLoc
DURHAM, N.C.—Tension grew in the Durham City Hall last Tuesday evening after a small but vocal minority of conservative council members...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Ciceronian Society hosts re-education seminars following mandatory diversity training
DURHAM, N.C.—After a mandatory Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging training module, the Ciceronian Society has decided to host counter...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Did she ghost me or does she lack object permanence?
Ever since I locked eyes with my fair Juliet on the throbbing dance floor of Shooters, kissed her sweet vodka-scented lips in an ecstasy...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Girl who texted back “sorry, just saw this!” isn’t lying
DURHAM, N.C.—Confusion erupted among students this Tuesday following an unorthodox subversion of social norms by Tina Roberts (P ‘23) in...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
March Madness just regular ol’ March for local sleep paralysis demon
TARTARUS, HELL—Glarkkon the Devourer, an eons-long resident of the Endless Abyss, is hyped for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament after...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18
Op-ed: Am I toxic for chasing tour groups with sticks?
DURHAM, N.C.—These invasive tour group miscreants are bringing their pervasive vitality and youth with them when they visit, and I don’t...
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