The Fluke News Staff
Op-ed: My roommate dropped a grape on the ground. Is he going to pick it up?
My spirit is broken. The title is a misnomer. I already know the answer. It’s no. It’s not like he doesn’t know it’s there. Move-in...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 14
- 1 min
Op-ed: Your Emotional Support Service Animal Shouldn’t Need a Service Animal
Hear me out, y’all. Before you open Twitter and cancel me off the face of the Earth, I am not attacking Emotional Support Animals or...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 1 min
Op-Ed: I will kill myself if I'm the comic relief character in the group Halloween costume again
I’m done. I’m so fucking done. Once I got to Duke I thought my nightmare would finally be over. I could finally get away from being the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Op-Ed: Chicken Little lied for attention. Here’s why I do it too.
When my girlfriend interned at Walt Disney last summer, her manager shared with her a Google Drive folder with first-draft screenplays of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 2 min
Op-ed: Restraining Order? Signs your Mr. Perfect is just playing hard to get
You know who I’m talking about. That dreamy guy who checks all your boxes: cute, funny, smart, with that lock of hair that falls over his...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 7, 2022
- 1 min
What is a libertarian and why can’t they help me checkout a book?
PERKINS LIBRARY—One fateful day, Faye Pelosi (Trinity ’24) stumbled across the perennial problem of finding a book in the maze of Perkins...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 18, 2021
- 1 min
An open letter to men studying Compsci: Golden showers don't count
BRYAN CENTER—To the men at Duke studying Computer Science: this is a letter of love. I have infinite respect for the men in both Trinity...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 6, 2021
- 1 min
Op-ed: My opinion on why we’re too politically divided is unique and deserves a biweekly column
Durham, NC—In a world that claims to be more tolerant than ever, as an Anarcho-Libertarian at Duke, I have never felt more...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 26, 2021
- 2 min
Things are going too well: A quick guide to self-sabotage
Okay, imagine this. You’re chilling on TikTok and suddenly, you sense it. Something’s different. Something’s… wrong? Let me let you in on...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 22, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: I don’t think I should have gotten a B+ on the midterm essay
Now that we’ve all gotten our Philosophy 201 midterm essays back, I think it’s important to tackle a serious issue: my grade. While I...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 22, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: Let's just replace the election with a “No judgement, just curious: Biden or Trump” IG poll
Let’s be honest: this is getting ridiculous. First I had to fill out the registration form, then I had to have the girl from Keohane 4D...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2020
- 2 min
Op-ed: Masks don’t protect us, our troops do
It’s time we get real: masks do not protect us. They are flimsy little pieces of cloth that cannot even remotely compare to a US Army...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 22, 2020
- 1 min
Joe Biden: Not bi enough
Durham, NC — When Bernie Sanders first suspended his presidential campaign, the Fluke News was overwhelmed with excitement at the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Aug 26, 2020
- 1 min
UNC: Not that safe for a safety school
CHAPEL HILL, NC—In a shocking turn of events, after testing no students and refusing to enforce coronavirus guidelines, the University of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jul 11, 2020
- 1 min
Op-Ed: Wait, they're deporting white students too?
When I first heard that ICE is planning to deport international students who are not taking in-person classes this Fall, I was...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jul 1, 2020
- 2 min
Long distance hack: Break up
LAS VEGAS, NV—So it’s been three months since you saw your boyfriend. You were madly in love in March, of course, except for when he...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jun 11, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: What's the point of Duke if I can't have massive orgies?
DURHAM, NC—As Duke announces its plans to bring students to campus amidst the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic, all students should question...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 6, 2020
- 2 min
Help: I’m horny in my childhood bedroom
MY HOMETOWN—As I spend another day scrolling through TikTok only to see yet another shirtless seventeen-year-old lick his fingers and jab...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 1, 2020
- 2 min
Tips to stay sane while social distancing
It’s been days since you’ve gotten back to your parents house, and there’s only so many times you can argue with them about Bernie...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 1, 2020
- 1 min
Open letter to Piazza: What part of “no emails” do you not fucking get?
DURHAM, NC—As classes have made their transition to the online format, many professors have turned to Piazza as a way of answering...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 25, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: My dad's been practicing social distancing since I was born
NY, NY—Yes, I live in New York. No, I don’t have COVID-19. And my family has long been ready for this outbreak: my father—aware of the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 25, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: My biggest takeaway from spring break was herpes
PALM BEACH, FL—Most college students see spring break as nothing more than a week to get trashed and fuck around, but not me. For me,...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 25, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: Just because we made eye contact doesn't mean I want a conversation
DURHAM, NC–Are we O-week friends? Are we in a class together and have never had a real interaction? Are all of our interactions as...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 18, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: My major gives me depression and that's why I'm superior
PHYSICS BUILDING—Are you spending your weekends stressing over problem sets or midterms where the class average is a 50%? If not, move...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 16, 2020
- 1 min
Opinion: Troy Bolton shouldn't be allowed to speak on campus
DURHAM, NC — Guys, it’s time to get our heads in the game. Under absolutely no circumstances should we let Troy Bolton on this campus....
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 10, 2020
- 2 min
The Fluke News endorses Klobuchar and Warren for YT
Duke’s student voters must choose between four sharply divergent visions of the future. The Young Trustee selection contest is often...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 28, 2019
- 1 min
Thanks-awkward! My girlfriend is a turkey
Yes, mom, my girlfriend is a turkey today. Is that so wrong? Why can’t she just dress in a thematically appropriate way for our dinner?...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 21, 2019
- 1 min
Opinion: Enough leaning in. Let's tell men to lean out. Of windows.
DURHAM, NC— The recent New York Times article asking men to “lean out” and reflect on their responsibility in pushing for gender equality...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 13, 2019
- 2 min
Joker: Not enough jokes?
DURHAM,NC - Fans say it’s one of the best comic book films since the Dark Knight and critics are praising it as Oscar-worthy. For those...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2019
- 1 min
Opinion: Keep choking sea turtles with plastic because they too have sexual urges
DURHAM, NC—Amidst the recent fight to save sea turtles from plastic pollution, I dare ask this: have you asked the sea turtles if they...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 29, 2019
- 1 min
Opinion: Don’t eat at WU while I’m there
DURHAM, NC—Everyday around 1PM, students flood the Broadhead center by the hundreds in order to get a quick meal before their next class....
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 28, 2019
- 1 min
Girl who used to mock my small eyes now scolding me for not embracing my culture
DURHAM, NC—Jessica Cannon, who used to love pulling at the sides of her eyes to make them “look like mine” and loudly laugh at her own...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 2, 2019
- 1 min
Op-ed: End anti-Zionism, he's our best player
DURHA, NC—There’s been a lot discussion on campus about anti-zionism. Frankly, I’m horrified by the idea. To all the anti-zionists out...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 16, 2019
- 1 min
Pee-checks: I don’t get it, but if it's what the tent needs...
K-VILLE—Like many Duke students, I am a bit apprehensive about tonight’s pee-checks. Truly, I don’t get it: why do the line monitors need...
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Jen Smith, Columnist
- Feb 8, 2019
- 2 min
Op-ed: Low income students, just ask your dad for more money
DURHAM, NC—There’s been a lot of discussion on campus in the past few days about the social, academic, and health effects that low...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 18, 2019
- 1 min
Op-ed: Duke needs to divest from your mom
DURHAM, NC—I understand that Duke has financial interests in maintaining its current investments, but as an engaged citizen I feel that...
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