The Fluke News Staff
Impressive! Duke student says Durham residents don’t scare them anymore
DURHAM, NC—Like many of her peers, Marlene Anderson (Trinity ‘24) has been enjoying the Duke bubble and all its exclusivity ever since...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 9
- 1 min
American Grand Strategy shoots down hot air balloon touring Durham
DURHAM, NC—Thanks to the gallant efforts of Duke’s American Grand Strategy heroes this past weekend, Durham is saved. Durham residents...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Blue Tenter Says Poll Line “Too Long”
DURHAM, NC––Following midterm elections on November 8th, reports have surfaced of Duke students complaining about the length of the line...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Running Out of Causes to Champion, PETA Turns Attention to Toppled Scooters That “Look Sad”
DURHAM, NC—This week, miniature gravesites could be found around campus to raise awareness for Spin scooter abuse and neglect. The...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 14, 2022
- 1 min
If you ever think you’re annoying, remember someone has a podcast called “So... that’s a thing"
DURHAM, NC—Guys, let’s face it, adulting is hard! Thank God I can sit down and listen to Becca and Brady “do a funny” every Thursday...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 16, 2022
- 1 min
Clumsy cocaine smugglers rejoice at Durham snow storm
DURHAM, NC—While most Durham residents were annoyed by the recent storm, Durham’s novice drug smuggling community was relieved to see the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 25, 2021
- 1 min
Local turkey accepts imminent death with surprising grace and wisdom
THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE—Awaiting his inevitable execution, local turkey Reginald practices mindfulness, accepting that death is what gives...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 21, 2021
- 1 min
For man with erectile dysfunction, it’s always a no bones day
DURHAM, NC—Johnny Crow (T ‘23) has a hard time getting his Johnny up. No matter how many gas station pills he uses, everyday is no bones...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 21, 2021
- 1 min
Girl who already put up Christmas decorations the worst person you know
DURHAM, NC—You don’t notice the signs until it’s too late. It starts off benign. Maybe a little Mariah Carey in the hallways. Maybe you...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 1 min
New book “Literacy for Illiterates” struggles to sell
DURHAM, NC—Unfortunately for author Dylan Donovan, his new self-help book, Literacy for Illiterates, has struggled in book stores...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
Before entering heaven, God checks if you have wristband
HEAVEN—On a typical day in the land of the high above, ascending souls hope to spend the rest of eternity in God’s endless splendor of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2021
- 1 min
Who is this? Asks mom every time you show her a TikTok
DURHAM, NC—An innocent child wants to share a meme with her mother. Little does she know which fatal question is to come. This is the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 1, 2021
- 2 min
God admits Chapel Hill was a mistake, plans flood
CHAPEL HILL, NC—On Wednesday, September 23, 2021, Father Scott O’McSullihan received a surprise guest at confession at local parish, Our...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Aug 31, 2021
- 1 min
Breaking: Shooters purchased by Duke to house COVID-positive students
DURHAM, NC—Kim Cates’s decision to shut down Shooters II may have been a surprise to many, but not to the Duke administration, who made a...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Aug 18, 2021
- 1 min
"So that's why everyone wore the same outfit," says freshman who went to Hooters instead of Shooters
Durham, NC—Bryan Jenkins, a new and slightly misinformed Blackwell resident, was disappointed to come back to his room dead sober and all...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jun 15, 2021
- 1 min
Local police department celebrates Pride Month in style with rainbow-colored tear gas
ST. LOUIS—In honor of Pride Month, the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department has announced its commitment to be more progressive in...
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The Fluke News Staff
- May 10, 2021
- 1 min
Man frantically puts socks on choking friend’s feet before giving him mouth-to-mouth
DURHAM,NC—What could’ve been a tragic event for Michael Whitney last Wednesday night was luckily stopped short by his friend and roommate...
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The Fluke News Staff
- May 10, 2021
- 2 min
Girl confused how guy doesn't see her subtle Spotify hints that she's in love with him
Every day, I spend a few hours designing new playlists with subtle yet cryptic titles, such as “April Loving” or “We Met at the Beach” or...
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The Fluke News Staff
- May 10, 2021
- 1 min
Dear Fluke: Am I bisexual or do I just really want to be?
Dear Fluke, I’m a 19 year old, single, female-identifying college student with no kids. I’ve been dating around and have been official...
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The Fluke News Staff
- May 10, 2021
- 1 min
"I don’t have the time," says girl who spends 30 hours a week on TikTok
DURHAM, NC—Imagine this: After what was meant to be a few minutes of Tik-Tok fun time, the sun sets...things get dark...and you’ve...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 7, 2020
- 1 min
Fluke Investigates: Does this twitter activist not realize he's white?
DURHAM, NC—White activist Daniel Yellin might be passionate about posting instagram stories about the Black Lives Matter movement and...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2020
- 1 min
Op-ed: I won’t vote until we can ALL vote
Frankly, I’m appalled by the levels of voter suppression here in North Carolina. The gerrymandering, the ID laws, and the intricacies of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2020
- 2 min
A comprehensive guide to analyzing your boyfriend’s childhood home on Zillow
Go ahead and put his address into Zillow. There are now a few more things you have to think about besides the fact that he and his family...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 9, 2020
- 1 min
Voting by carrier pigeon: A bi-partisan solution
Durham, NC—Pigeons do not care about your politics. In fact, the latest New York Times poll disclosed that 0% of all pigeons were...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 30, 2020
- 2 min
Missing Tandoor? These recipes will make you feel just as ethnic, but still safe
For fellow students living off campus, missing out on exotic but comfortable food from West Union is one of the biggest challenges. If...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 28, 2020
- 2 min
Student re-examines sexuality after attending the wrong Swing NC event
DURHAM, NC—Wednesday night certainly did not go as expected for Duke freshmen Todd Edwards and Thalia Stein. As the freshmen couple...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jul 17, 2020
- 1 min
Duke Researchers Discover Promising Method for Shutting Off Pain in the Human Brain: Meth
DURHAM, NC—After years of split testing, clinical trials, and car mufflers just “disappearing”, researchers in the Duke School of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jun 3, 2020
- 2 min
Adorable: White liberal thinks voting out Trump will end racism
DURHAM, NC—In a moment guaranteed to make you say “awwww”, local white liberal Paul James recently voiced some groundbreaking advice for...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 1, 2020
- 1 min
Area Man doesn’t understand calling Asia Death a silly nickname like “COVID-19”
DURHAM, NC—Following recent developments in the state of the global pandemic known as Asia Death, one concerned citizen has had enough of...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 25, 2020
- 1 min
Girl who complains about gentrification excited for new vegan restaurant
DURHAM, NC–Recently, local activist Maya Thompson, who has bravely and openly criticized the gentrification in and around Durham, has...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 14, 2020
- 2 min
Best places in Durham to eat alone on Valentines Day
1. Soc Psych Bathroom So you’re eating alone on Valentine’s. So what! It could be worse: you could still be dating that asshole Jordan....
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 26, 2019
- 1 min
Local landfill now filled with discarded signs from climate strike
LITERALLY EVERYWHERE, EARTH—Last week, Anna Li, who can’t go a second without making everything about herself, excitedly went out and...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 5, 2019
- 1 min
Hurricane snore-ian: sleepy student prays for property destruction
DURHAM, NC—As Hurricane Dorian’s death toll sharply mounts, sophomore Javier Zheng lies in his dorm room curled in several warm blankets...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 2, 2019
- 1 min
Duke University proposes new white rail
DURHAM, NC—In the face of mounting local criticism of Duke’s efforts to stop GoTriangle’s proposed light rail system, University...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 17, 2019
- 1 min
Kim Cates responds to town hall about concern over playlist at Shooters II
SHOOTERS II SALOON—Headed to Shooters this weekend? There's a lot to look forward to - they’re blasting the same music you know and owner...
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