The Fluke News Staff
WU Restaurants Respond Reasonably to Inflation by Doubling Prices
DURHAM, NC—Every restaurant in the Brodhead Center has unanimously voted to double prices in response to national inflation rates—just...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 2 min
A capella member lacks pep on stage, later lacks heartbeat
DURHAM, NC—Duke’s a capella groups are known for their jaunty demeanors, out-of-date medleys, and now, attempted murder. The “Note Takers...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Fluke Analytics Report: Petite, docile men get the most maduros at Sazón
THE SAZÓN LINE—Frustrated because you’re not getting enough maduros at Sazón? According to a recent study, you may need to get on the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Running Out of Causes to Champion, PETA Turns Attention to Toppled Scooters That “Look Sad”
DURHAM, NC—This week, miniature gravesites could be found around campus to raise awareness for Spin scooter abuse and neglect. The...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Waynestockings: Shapely calves and “astonishing elegance” displayed in annual Swan Lake performance
THE BARN—As the sweet sigh of violin music rises over the beer-soaked field, a hush falls over the crowd of over 10,000 spectators. Grips...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 1 min
Duke Student Boldly Displays Individuality by Wearing Duke Sweatshirt
UNIVERSITY STORE—When he donned his Duke sweatshirt Tuesday, Andrew Astor III could feel a weight being lifted off his shoulders. “It was...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Ciceronian Society announces its own climate pledge: burning barrels of oil for fun
ABELE QUAD—In the aftermath of Duke’s recent climate commitment announcement, campus’ leading band of intellectuals and deep thinkers has...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
P-Edge dissolves after members P-Cum
DURHAM, NC—In an effort to decrease Experiential Orientation program costs, P-Edge dissolves after administrations let members P-cum. In...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Duke falling dangerously behind Ivies in number of war criminals produced
DURHAM, NC—Duke’s dramatic fall this year from No. 9 to No. 10 in the U.S. News Rankings has many students and administrators wondering...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Leaked Duke Dining food point budgeting plan offers free gastric balloons to football game attendees
DURHAM, NC—A leaked draft of Duke Dining’s “targeted” food point budgeting email generously offers gastric balloons to students in order...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
In effort to avoid grass, Duke to offer mudpatch
Durham, NC– Duke administration released a statement last Thursday, announcing that the Board of Trustees has become aware of growing...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Fraternities struggling as cocaine shipments delayed by mailroom
BRYAN CENTER, NC—Following delays in the Duke University Mail room, students– specifically members of off-campus Greek organizations–...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 2 min
The Fluke's top 5 tips to avoid being mistaken for a predator as you "study" at Wilson Gym
DURHAM, NC–We’ve all been there. Our laptops sitting on a comically small table, loud groans drenching our ears from every possible...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Pike gets full five stars on Rate My Aggressor
DURHAM, NC—The brothers of Pi Kappa Alpha at Duke have finally been recognized for their constant commitment and hard work. After years...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Duke Climate Commitment just Vincent Price turning off lights, putting water bottle in the recycling
PAGE AUDITORIUM—Many have been wondering what exactly Duke’s “Climate Announcement” was about late last week. This reporter has...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 30, 2022
- 1 min
New Five Dollar Deal is just Five Sazón Beans
DURHAM, NC—In response to student complaints about campus dining raising prices for smaller portions, Duke Dining administrators have...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 30, 2022
- 1 min
Duke to Euthanize the Ugly Lemurs
DURHAM, NC—On Monday night, Duke Lemur Center Executive Director Greg Dye announced plans to euthanize the ugly lemurs, citing concerns...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 8, 2022
- 1 min
C1 Bus Driver Executes Student Sipping Coffee: "They should have read the sign"
WEST CAMPUS BUS LOOP—As sophomore Josh Hinston sipped his Beyu Blue coffee and scrolled mindlessly on Tik Tok, he became confused when...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 5, 2022
- 0 min
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 20, 2022
- 1 min
"Omg LDOC is on 4/20" says girl who snitched on her roommate for smoking weed
DURHAM, NC—As the end of the semester approaches, excitement for LDOC is growing on campus. The all-day party hasn’t truly happened in...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 13, 2022
- 1 min
Oops! Someone's getting weeded out by a weed-out class!
BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—It was a quiet morning in BioSci 123. The hallowed halls echoed with the sound of 120 sleep-deprived,...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11, 2022
- 1 min
Mask mandate reinstated for ugly people
DURHAM, N.C.—Controversy arose on campus yesterday as Duke Administration announced that they would be reinstating the recently ended...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11, 2022
- 1 min
“If you liked the tour my name is David, if not, my name is Matt,” says tour guide with amnesia
DURHAM, NC—As visitors stood and laughed at the classic joke, tour guide Jerry Eastman (Trinity ‘23) stared in confusion at the chuckling...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11, 2022
- 1 min
"Wow, I thought duke was an Ivy!" says real prospective student, definitely not a paid actor
DURHAM, NC—“Wow! I cannot believe Duke isn’t an Ivy! It just looks and feels so much like Princeton,” whispered Ethan Morgenstein in a...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 10, 2022
- 0 min
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 7, 2022
- 1 min
Kilgo Laundry Thief and Few Arsonist overshadowed by more terrifying Edens Toe Tickler
DURHAM, NC—Although the fear and isolation of the Covid-19 pandemic have ended for the majority of campus, the same cannot be said for...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 7, 2022
- 1 min
Irresponsibly selfish psychopath requests stop on C1
C1 BUS, CAMPUS DRIVE—This morning, at 8:17 a.m., an atrocious tragedy occurred. Onlookers were shocked as the unthinkable occured as the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 7, 2022
- 1 min
Duke raises tuition to provide every puppy kindergartener with a brand new iPad
DURHAM, N.C.—Looks like it’ll be time to play “Poodle Jump” and “Angry Barks” for some of our favorite campus canines! This week, every...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 6, 2022
- 0 min
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The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 1, 2022
- 1 min
Duke graduate programs earn top marks in US News Rankings
DURHAM, NC—The US News and World Report has just come out with new rankings of the country’s top graduate programs, and Duke scored well....
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 21, 2022
- 0 min
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 14, 2022
- 1 min
Breaking: My colorblind lab partner messed up our titration
DURHAM, NC - While many Duke students arrive on campus in search of romantic chemistry, other students, especially those who identify...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 3, 2022
- 1 min
Kilgo laundry thief caught, revealed to be little people living in the walls
DURHAM, N.C.—Months of rumors and accusations can finally be put to rest after the true source of Kilgo’s laundry robberies was...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 28, 2022
- 2 min
Fluke endorses Dilbert Anchovy for DSG President
DUKE UNIVERSITY—In recognition of its cherished and crucial role as the voice of the people, The Fluke has decided to officially endorse...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 7, 2022
- 1 min
Duke student who already finished all her work for the semester asks what else she can do
SOCIAL SCIENCES—Duke student Molly Schaefer (Trinity ‘24) has bravely finished all her homework assignments for the semester. When asked...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 7, 2022
- 1 min
Inspiring: Short Film Opens With Shot of Alarm Clock Going Off
ARTS ANNEX—Declaring the artistic venture “pretty much the coolest shit I’ve ever done,” VMS major Albert Pace (Trinity ’23) is currently...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 7, 2022
- 1 min
Professor traumatized by student’s genuine response to “How are you?”
DURHAM, NC—When Professor Levitz asked sophomore Hannah McClade how she was, he did so out of politeness. He expected a “pretty good” or...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 16, 2022
- 1 min
New Messiah? Crowd of admirers flock to this Midwesterner who “isn’t even cold”
BALDWIN QUAD—A significant crowd has gathered to worship who many are calling “the coming of a new God.” First year student Jackery...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Dec 7, 2021
- 1 min
Duke now offering professors free resumé help at the Career Center!
DURHAM, N.C.—The soon-to-be-unemployed Writing 101 faculty that just so happen to be unionized are now seeking career advice after the...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 21, 2021
- 1 min
Duke student celebrates Thanksgiving in style with two papers and a take-home exam
CHARLOTTE, NC—As his family prepares the Thanksgiving meal together, laughing and bonding, Sophomore Nathan Richards enjoys his break by...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 21, 2021
- 2 min
In unprecedented move towards sustainability, Duke replaces all toilet paper with scannable QR codes
DURHAM, NC—A truly sustainable future is only becoming more tangible after today, University administration implemented the new “Give No...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 20, 2021
- 1 min
Squirrels injected with Duke's beta Covid-19 vaccine grow grotesquely enormous, replace C1 buses
DURHAM, NC—This morning, Duke revealed the mega-squirrels. When reached for comment, President Vincent Price said, “What if our beloved...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 20, 2021
- 1 min
In solidarity with freshmen, President Price participates in Turkey Drop
DEVIL’S KRAFTHOUSE–The Fluke News is thrilled and surprised to announce that an anonymous source (Theo John) has confirmed President...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 2 min
You can’t legally be depressed after 12 sessions: The triumph of CAPS
DURHAM, NC—The wind howls against an onslaught of freezing rain as midterm grades are about to be released. But as Jacob Price (Trinity...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 1 min
Duke institutes new "Push a Bus" program, lays off transportation staff
DURHAM, N.C.—In a supposed effort to combat climate change, Duke students are now required to take transportation into their own hands....
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 1 min
International Students: Why do you speak English?
It’s time we had a conversation about cultural appropriation. You might be thinking, “this is a tired subject, for the love of God, just...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
Abele Quad to be renamed “Zoboomafoo Jungle” after generous donation from Lemur Center
ABELE QUADZOBOOMAFOO JUNGLE—Celebrations echoed through the Allen Building this morning after the finalization of a multi-million dollar...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
CAPS to offer lobotomies
DURHAM, NC—In a 5-4 vote, Duke CAPS decided to finally try to help the Duke student body improve their mental health in a monumental,...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 1 min
Breaking: Duke Outing club releases list of LGBTQ students
AL BUEHLER TRAIL, NC—This week, Gina Smith (T ’23), an avid hiking enthusiast, was shocked to discover that the Duke Outing club was not...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 2, 2021
- 2 min
Datemyprofessor.com comes out just in time for 2nd round of exams
DURHAM, NC— In a move that will probably have significant legal ramifications, the Academic Deans have announced that they have greenlit...
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