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    "Omg LDOC is on 4/20" says girl who snitched on her roommate for smoking weed
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 20
    • 1 min

    "Omg LDOC is on 4/20" says girl who snitched on her roommate for smoking weed

    DURHAM, NC—As the end of the semester approaches, excitement for LDOC is growing on campus. The all-day party hasn’t truly happened in...
    147 views0 comments
    Oops! Someone's getting weeded out by a weed-out class!
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 13
    • 1 min

    Oops! Someone's getting weeded out by a weed-out class!

    BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—It was a quiet morning in BioSci 123. The hallowed halls echoed with the sound of 120 sleep-deprived,...
    75 views0 comments
    Mask mandate reinstated for ugly people
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 12
    • 1 min

    Mask mandate reinstated for ugly people

    DURHAM, N.C.—Controversy arose on campus yesterday as Duke Administration announced that they would be reinstating the recently ended...
    52 views0 comments
    “If you liked the tour my name is David, if not, my name is Matt,” says tour guide with amnesia
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 11
    • 1 min

    “If you liked the tour my name is David, if not, my name is Matt,” says tour guide with amnesia

    DURHAM, NC—As visitors stood and laughed at the classic joke, tour guide Jerry Eastman (Trinity ‘23) stared in confusion at the chuckling...
    48 views0 comments
    "Wow, I thought duke was an Ivy!" says real prospective student, definitely not a paid actor
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 11
    • 1 min

    "Wow, I thought duke was an Ivy!" says real prospective student, definitely not a paid actor

    DURHAM, NC—“Wow! I cannot believe Duke isn’t an Ivy! It just looks and feels so much like Princeton,” whispered Ethan Morgenstein in a...
    53 views0 comments
    Duke replaces commencement speaker Marry Barra with Winston Yau
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 10
    • 0 min

    Duke replaces commencement speaker Marry Barra with Winston Yau

    63 views0 comments
    Kilgo Laundry Thief and Few Arsonist overshadowed by more terrifying Edens Toe Tickler
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 7
    • 1 min

    Kilgo Laundry Thief and Few Arsonist overshadowed by more terrifying Edens Toe Tickler

    DURHAM, NC—Although the fear and isolation of the Covid-19 pandemic have ended for the majority of campus, the same cannot be said for...
    21 views0 comments
    Irresponsibly selfish psychopath requests stop on C1
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 7
    • 1 min

    Irresponsibly selfish psychopath requests stop on C1

    C1 BUS, CAMPUS DRIVE—This morning, at 8:17 a.m., an atrocious tragedy occurred. Onlookers were shocked as the unthinkable occured as the...
    27 views0 comments
    Duke raises tuition to provide every puppy kindergartener with a brand new iPad
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 7
    • 1 min

    Duke raises tuition to provide every puppy kindergartener with a brand new iPad

    DURHAM, N.C.—Looks like it’ll be time to play “Poodle Jump” and “Angry Barks” for some of our favorite campus canines! This week, every...
    12 views0 comments
    Students shocked to find out that "Young Trustee" is not an up and coming rapper at Duke
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 6
    • 0 min

    Students shocked to find out that "Young Trustee" is not an up and coming rapper at Duke

    20 views0 comments
    Duke graduate programs earn top marks in US News Rankings
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 1
    • 1 min

    Duke graduate programs earn top marks in US News Rankings

    DURHAM, NC—The US News and World Report has just come out with new rankings of the country’s top graduate programs, and Duke scored well....
    34 views0 comments
    Soy nugget actually just Nugget introducing herself
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Mar 22
    • 0 min

    Soy nugget actually just Nugget introducing herself

    38 views0 comments
    Breaking: My colorblind lab partner messed up our titration
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Mar 14
    • 1 min

    Breaking: My colorblind lab partner messed up our titration

    DURHAM, NC - While many Duke students arrive on campus in search of romantic chemistry, other students, especially those who identify...
    69 views0 comments
    Kilgo laundry thief caught, revealed to be little people living in the walls
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Mar 3
    • 1 min

    Kilgo laundry thief caught, revealed to be little people living in the walls

    DURHAM, N.C.—Months of rumors and accusations can finally be put to rest after the true source of Kilgo’s laundry robberies was...
    43 views0 comments
    Fluke endorses Dilbert Anchovy for DSG President
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 28
    • 2 min

    Fluke endorses Dilbert Anchovy for DSG President

    DUKE UNIVERSITY—In recognition of its cherished and crucial role as the voice of the people, The Fluke has decided to officially endorse...
    75 views0 comments
    Duke student who already finished all her work for the semester asks what else she can do
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 7
    • 1 min

    Duke student who already finished all her work for the semester asks what else she can do

    SOCIAL SCIENCES—Duke student Molly Schaefer (Trinity ‘24) has bravely finished all her homework assignments for the semester. When asked...
    300 views0 comments
    Inspiring: Short Film Opens With Shot of Alarm Clock Going Off
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 7
    • 1 min

    Inspiring: Short Film Opens With Shot of Alarm Clock Going Off

    ARTS ANNEX—Declaring the artistic venture “pretty much the coolest shit I’ve ever done,” VMS major Albert Pace (Trinity ’23) is currently...
    72 views0 comments
    Professor traumatized by student’s genuine response to “How are you?”
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 7
    • 1 min

    Professor traumatized by student’s genuine response to “How are you?”

    DURHAM, NC—When Professor Levitz asked sophomore Hannah McClade how she was, he did so out of politeness. He expected a “pretty good” or...
    159 views0 comments
    New Messiah? Crowd of admirers flock to this Midwesterner who “isn’t even cold”
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Jan 16
    • 1 min

    New Messiah? Crowd of admirers flock to this Midwesterner who “isn’t even cold”

    BALDWIN QUAD—A significant crowd has gathered to worship who many are calling “the coming of a new God.” First year student Jackery...
    167 views0 comments
    Duke now offering professors free resumé help at the Career Center!
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Dec 7, 2021
    • 1 min

    Duke now offering professors free resumé help at the Career Center!

    DURHAM, N.C.—The soon-to-be-unemployed Writing 101 faculty that just so happen to be unionized are now seeking career advice after the...
    352 views0 comments
    Duke student celebrates Thanksgiving in style with two papers and a take-home exam
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 22, 2021
    • 1 min

    Duke student celebrates Thanksgiving in style with two papers and a take-home exam

    CHARLOTTE, NC—As his family prepares the Thanksgiving meal together, laughing and bonding, Sophomore Nathan Richards enjoys his break by...
    137 views0 comments
    In unprecedented move towards sustainability, Duke replaces all toilet paper with scannable QR codes
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 21, 2021
    • 2 min

    In unprecedented move towards sustainability, Duke replaces all toilet paper with scannable QR codes

    DURHAM, NC—A truly sustainable future is only becoming more tangible after today, University administration implemented the new “Give No...
    138 views0 comments
    Squirrels injected with Duke's beta Covid-19 vaccine grow grotesquely enormous, replace C1 buses
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 20, 2021
    • 1 min

    Squirrels injected with Duke's beta Covid-19 vaccine grow grotesquely enormous, replace C1 buses

    DURHAM, NC—This morning, Duke revealed the mega-squirrels. When reached for comment, President Vincent Price said, “What if our beloved...
    31 views0 comments
    In solidarity with freshmen, President Price participates in Turkey Drop
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 20, 2021
    • 1 min

    In solidarity with freshmen, President Price participates in Turkey Drop

    DEVIL’S KRAFTHOUSE–The Fluke News is thrilled and surprised to announce that an anonymous source (Theo John) has confirmed President...
    93 views0 comments
    You can’t legally be depressed after 12 sessions: The triumph of CAPS
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 15, 2021
    • 2 min

    You can’t legally be depressed after 12 sessions: The triumph of CAPS

    DURHAM, NC—The wind howls against an onslaught of freezing rain as midterm grades are about to be released. But as Jacob Price (Trinity...
    85 views0 comments
    Duke institutes new "Push a Bus" program, lays off transportation staff
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 15, 2021
    • 1 min

    Duke institutes new "Push a Bus" program, lays off transportation staff

    DURHAM, N.C.—In a supposed effort to combat climate change, Duke students are now required to take transportation into their own hands....
    38 views0 comments
    International Students: Why do you speak English?
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 15, 2021
    • 1 min

    International Students: Why do you speak English?

    It’s time we had a conversation about cultural appropriation. You might be thinking, “this is a tired subject, for the love of God, just...
    33 views0 comments
    Abele Quad to be renamed “Zoboomafoo Jungle” after generous donation from Lemur Center
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 2, 2021
    • 1 min

    Abele Quad to be renamed “Zoboomafoo Jungle” after generous donation from Lemur Center

    ABELE QUADZOBOOMAFOO JUNGLE—Celebrations echoed through the Allen Building this morning after the finalization of a multi-million dollar...
    88 views0 comments
    CAPS to offer lobotomies
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 2, 2021
    • 1 min

    CAPS to offer lobotomies

    DURHAM, NC—In a 5-4 vote, Duke CAPS decided to finally try to help the Duke student body improve their mental health in a monumental,...
    66 views0 comments
    Breaking: Duke Outing club releases list of LGBTQ students
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 2, 2021
    • 1 min

    Breaking: Duke Outing club releases list of LGBTQ students

    AL BUEHLER TRAIL, NC—This week, Gina Smith (T ’23), an avid hiking enthusiast, was shocked to discover that the Duke Outing club was not...
    142 views0 comments
    Datemyprofessor.com comes out just in time for 2nd round of exams
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 2, 2021
    • 2 min

    Datemyprofessor.com comes out just in time for 2nd round of exams

    DURHAM, NC— In a move that will probably have significant legal ramifications, the Academic Deans have announced that they have greenlit...
    89 views0 comments
    HRL Explains Quad-Ex: “It’s like Hogwarts but without literally anything that makes Hogwarts cool"
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 2, 2021
    • 1 min

    HRL Explains Quad-Ex: “It’s like Hogwarts but without literally anything that makes Hogwarts cool"

    DURHAM, NC—In response to questions and concerns about Duke’s new Quad-Ex system from both students and faculty, HRL recently sent out an...
    88 views0 comments
    The only reason the chapel is so big is because it has no natural predators
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 21, 2021
    • 1 min

    The only reason the chapel is so big is because it has no natural predators

    Durham, NC—We all know about the Duke Chapel. It’s the Chapel that’s at Duke. It glows at night. Other things. It’s that nice pretty...
    107 views0 comments
    Plan B included in new student dining plan
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 21, 2021
    • 1 min

    Plan B included in new student dining plan

    DURHAM, NC—Duke University has proposed new measures to curve accelerating college pregnancy rates. After having to implement...
    77 views0 comments
    Faculty all laid off, to be replaced by guest series
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 21, 2021
    • 1 min

    Faculty all laid off, to be replaced by guest series

    WEST CAMPUS—With Parents’ Weekend coming up and grass costs rising astronomically, Duke has made the difficult decision to fire all...
    48 views0 comments
    In effort to prevent on-campus sexual assault, Duke bans women
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 20, 2021
    • 1 min

    In effort to prevent on-campus sexual assault, Duke bans women

    ABELE QUAD, NC—This evening, Duke Administrators announced a new policy to combat sexual assault on campus by banning women from campus....
    90 views0 comments
    Celebrity sighting! Overly active member of class GroupMe spotted across the quad
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 20, 2021
    • 2 min

    Celebrity sighting! Overly active member of class GroupMe spotted across the quad

    ABELE QUAD—Cameras were flashing and cell phones were buzzing last Friday afternoon after campus celebrity Carson Hamby (Pratt ‘24) was...
    68 views0 comments
    HRL cuts their losses, burns down 300 Swift
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 20, 2021
    • 1 min

    HRL cuts their losses, burns down 300 Swift

    DURHAM, NC—After reports of floors collapsing in the luxury apartment complex 300 Swift, Duke HRL has taken swift action to investigate...
    81 views0 comments
    Duke to celebrate Grandparents Weekend amid surge of student pregnancies
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 11, 2021
    • 1 min

    Duke to celebrate Grandparents Weekend amid surge of student pregnancies

    DUKE CAMPUS—Duke Student Affairs released a statement renaming their annual Parents Weekend to Grandparents Weekend following the...
    129 views0 comments
    Girl really making sure everyone can see her fawn over Nugget
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 11, 2021
    • 1 min

    Girl really making sure everyone can see her fawn over Nugget

    PENN PAVILION—After returning from an arduously long fall break, Jessica Short (Trinity ‘25) was excited to return to her semester long...
    95 views0 comments
    International student doesn't show up to Student Affairs to verify arrival, gets deported
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 4, 2021
    • 2 min

    International student doesn't show up to Student Affairs to verify arrival, gets deported

    DURHAM, NC—Ashwin Patel (Trinity ‘25) had already been pushed off the fourth C1 bus in a row and was on the brink of tears about missing...
    88 views0 comments
    Bear loose in Broadhead Center; Administration to release Duke Bear Response Plan shortly
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 4, 2021
    • 1 min

    Bear loose in Broadhead Center; Administration to release Duke Bear Response Plan shortly

    CROUCHING UNDER A BENCH OUTSIDE WU—A brown bear has been spotted roaming around Duke University’s West Campus. Its current whereabouts...
    64 views0 comments
    Geez, get a life! Class of 2020 flocks to campus for "commencement"
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 26, 2021
    • 1 min

    Geez, get a life! Class of 2020 flocks to campus for "commencement"

    ABELE QUAD, NC—After nearly two years of coronavirus restrictions, the Duke Class of 2020 returns to Durham for “Commencement” this...
    144 views0 comments
    Duke removes suicide nets from McClendon bridge after reaching top ten in US News and World Report
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 13, 2021
    • 2 min

    Duke removes suicide nets from McClendon bridge after reaching top ten in US News and World Report

    BELLA UNION—This morning, Duke administrators celebrated the removal of suicide nets under the bridge near Bella Union after Duke was...
    201 views0 comments
    Duke now regretting bulldozing Central Campus due to lack of COVID isolation space
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Aug 27, 2021
    • 1 min

    Duke now regretting bulldozing Central Campus due to lack of COVID isolation space

    NO LOCATION DUE TO COVID HOTELS BEING FULL— Duke officials have voiced their regret in the 2019 decision to bulldoze beloved Central...
    295 views0 comments
    Welcome to Duke! Choose one: Insufferable God complex or crippling imposter syndrome
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Aug 18, 2021
    • 1 min

    Welcome to Duke! Choose one: Insufferable God complex or crippling imposter syndrome

    DURHAM, NC—Congratulations, you’ve been admitted to Duke via regular decision! That is an absolutely amazing achievement that you should...
    435 views0 comments
    ROTC studying Chinese "for the culture"
    The Fluke News Staff
    • May 10, 2021
    • 1 min

    ROTC studying Chinese "for the culture"

    TRENT HALL—Robert Kaplan, a Trinity junior in Army ROTC, is reportedly excited to take Chinese 305 solely “for the culture.” Kaplan, who...
    243 views0 comments
    Student accidentally Pavlovs herself into asking “Did we go to breakout rooms” whenever she wakes up
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 21, 2021
    • 1 min

    Student accidentally Pavlovs herself into asking “Did we go to breakout rooms” whenever she wakes up

    EDENS 2C—After a long and hard semester, Trinity sophomore Lauren Choy has accidentally conditioned herself into asking “Oh shit are we...
    191 views0 comments
    DUPD instructed to use "deadly force" against people who step outside of circles on the lawn
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 21, 2021
    • 1 min

    DUPD instructed to use "deadly force" against people who step outside of circles on the lawn

    DURHAM, NC—In response to the tens of students who thought it would be appropriate to sit outside masked on a 70º day, the Duke...
    119 views0 comments
    “Engineering teaches you how to problem solve,” says Pratt star with no work experience
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 18, 2021
    • 1 min

    “Engineering teaches you how to problem solve,” says Pratt star with no work experience

    DURHAM, NC—When asked why he chose to major in engineering, student Dick Basmati said “I wanted a major that actually teaches you how to...
    115 views0 comments
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