The Fluke News Staff Feb 15 1 min Philosophy major wayyyy too talkative in bed DURHAM, NC—After a casual hookup in a twin bed with blue plaid sheets listening to a man compare the female orgasm to Plato’s The Republi...
The Fluke News Staff Feb 10 1 min BREAKING: Contact tracer loses job because you don’t have any friends. Loser. DURHAM, NC—Despite a rise in Covid cases, contact tracer Jim Mahomes was let go last week after not being able to find a single person yo...
The Fluke News Staff Jan 31 1 min BREAKING: Duke marriage pact just a front for DUPD to find out who runs through red lights DURHAM, NC—The Fluke Unit of the Chronically Knowledgeable (FUCK)––the Fluke News’s anonymous sources in Duke Student Government––recentl...
The Fluke News Staff Nov 22, 2020 1 min Duke to confirm all students to return in spring–will change decision two days before return DURHAM, NC—After a long semester of no breaks, thousands of dollars spent on precautionary quarantine, and approximately 1 student actual...
The Fluke News Staff Oct 31, 2020 1 min Bug in SymMon app allows students to submit symptoms without performing a thorough self-examination Durham, NC—The date is October 12, 2020. Time: 4:00 AM. Vincent Price is woken up by the buzzing of his phone. He picks it up. A voice qu...
The Fluke News Staff Oct 31, 2020 1 min BREAKING: Duke administration invests in fossil fuels to end student debt Durham, NC—The Duke Board of Trustees recently announced their decision to continue investing in the fossil fuel industry, despite fierce...
The Fluke News Staff Oct 27, 2020 3 min White in a Sea of Blue Devils: Duke Proud Boys no longer active as election approaches Hi. I’m Monday Monday, from the Duke Chronicle! This column was supposed to run this Monday, but was pulled at the last minute because it...
The Fluke News Staff Oct 9, 2020 1 min Op-ed: No need for PornHub—Thin curtains in Hollows are enough It was the summer of 8th grade when I graduated from my free Pornhub account, finally convincing my parents to let me go premium. Since t...
The Fluke News Staff Oct 9, 2020 1 min Duke cuts funding for groundbreaking AI research because “that’s like some Black Mirror shit” DURHAM, NC—Despite promising results, potentially groundbreaking research in the use of AI for curing genetic diseases in homeless orphan...
The Fluke News Staff Oct 9, 2020 2 min Looking ahead: What are we going to do with Peaches' body? WEST CAMPUS—Okay, you’re probably worried about upcoming midterms? Global Pandemic always on your mind? Maybe your grandma is sick—I don’...
