New Five Dollar Deal is just Five Sazón Beans

Duke to Euthanize the Ugly Lemurs

C1 Bus Driver Executes Student Sipping Coffee: "They should have read the sign"

Freshman discovers class not at all like description on DukeHub

"Omg LDOC is on 4/20" says girl who snitched on her roommate for smoking weed

Oops! Someone's getting weeded out by a weed-out class!

Mask mandate reinstated for ugly people

“If you liked the tour my name is David, if not, my name is Matt,” says tour guide with amnesia

"Wow, I thought duke was an Ivy!" says real prospective student, definitely not a paid actor

Duke replaces commencement speaker Marry Barra with Winston Yau

Kilgo Laundry Thief and Few Arsonist overshadowed by more terrifying Edens Toe Tickler

Irresponsibly selfish psychopath requests stop on C1

Duke raises tuition to provide every puppy kindergartener with a brand new iPad

Students shocked to find out that "Young Trustee" is not an up and coming rapper at Duke

Duke graduate programs earn top marks in US News Rankings

Soy nugget actually just Nugget introducing herself

Breaking: My colorblind lab partner messed up our titration

Kilgo laundry thief caught, revealed to be little people living in the walls

Fluke endorses Dilbert Anchovy for DSG President

Duke student who already finished all her work for the semester asks what else she can do

Inspiring: Short Film Opens With Shot of Alarm Clock Going Off

Professor traumatized by student’s genuine response to “How are you?”

New Messiah? Crowd of admirers flock to this Midwesterner who “isn’t even cold”

Duke now offering professors free resumé help at the Career Center!

Duke student celebrates Thanksgiving in style with two papers and a take-home exam

In unprecedented move towards sustainability, Duke replaces all toilet paper with scannable QR codes

Squirrels injected with Duke's beta Covid-19 vaccine grow grotesquely enormous, replace C1 buses

In solidarity with freshmen, President Price participates in Turkey Drop

You can’t legally be depressed after 12 sessions: The triumph of CAPS

Duke institutes new "Push a Bus" program, lays off transportation staff

International Students: Why do you speak English?

Abele Quad to be renamed “Zoboomafoo Jungle” after generous donation from Lemur Center

CAPS to offer lobotomies

Breaking: Duke Outing club releases list of LGBTQ students

Datemyprofessor.com comes out just in time for 2nd round of exams

HRL Explains Quad-Ex: “It’s like Hogwarts but without literally anything that makes Hogwarts cool"

The only reason the chapel is so big is because it has no natural predators

Plan B included in new student dining plan

Faculty all laid off, to be replaced by guest series

In effort to prevent on-campus sexual assault, Duke bans women

Celebrity sighting! Overly active member of class GroupMe spotted across the quad

HRL cuts their losses, burns down 300 Swift

Duke to celebrate Grandparents Weekend amid surge of student pregnancies

Girl really making sure everyone can see her fawn over Nugget

International student doesn't show up to Student Affairs to verify arrival, gets deported

Bear loose in Broadhead Center; Administration to release Duke Bear Response Plan shortly

Geez, get a life! Class of 2020 flocks to campus for "commencement"

Duke removes suicide nets from McClendon bridge after reaching top ten in US News and World Report

Duke now regretting bulldozing Central Campus due to lack of COVID isolation space

Welcome to Duke! Choose one: Insufferable God complex or crippling imposter syndrome