DURHAM, NC — Just hours into its reveal, the brand new soft-serve machine in East campus’s Marketplace broke, breaking the hearts of countless Duke freshmen hoping to turn their freshman 15 into a freshman 50. Thankfully, one former McDonald’s employee turned rising autocrat, is here to help.
Immediately upon hearing about this disaster, former crew member Trump got straight to work, attempting to fix the only remaining source of Duke freshmen's happiness post-Kentucky loss. After 6 hours of work and no progress made, one student asked about his plan to restore the device, to which he replied that he has “concepts of a plan” and that “nobody can fix this ice cream machine better than me.”
After a long day of work, the former crew member got right to Twitter to share his achievement and dedication to the Duke community. One tweet states “@UNC might have ice cream, but no one wants THEIR soft-serve. SAD!”.
Triumphant after hours of conceptual repair work, Trump finally declared victory over the soft-serve crisis, despite the machine remaining inoperative. Wrapping up the evening, he hosted a small rally in Marketplace, claiming he had “single-handedly restored hope to Duke’s freshmen” and promising “bigger and better” ice cream machines in the future.
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