The Fluke News Staff
After Series of Typos, Donald Trump Files Presidential Candidacy in Armenia
MAR-A-LAGO, FL—After carelessly rushing to file his FEC paperwork, former President Donald Trump accidentally registered his campaign for...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 17, 2022
- 1 min
Gradey Dick pounds Duke Defense
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In the Kansas-Duke matchup at the Champions Classic, Kansas freshman Gradey Dick dominated Duke’s defense, pounding the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 15, 2022
- 1 min
Do You Believe in Miracles? Duke Plays Duke, Wins
DURHAM, NC––In this year’s highly anticipated “Countdown to Craziness” exhibition match, Duke overcame the odds to beat the rival Duke...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
WU Restaurants Respond Reasonably to Inflation by Doubling Prices
DURHAM, NC—Every restaurant in the Brodhead Center has unanimously voted to double prices in response to national inflation rates—just...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
In effort to evade Raiders’ roster, Davante Adams accepts jail time
LAS VEGAS, NV—Two weeks after shoving a cameraman to the ground at the end of a bitter last-second loss to the Kansas City Chiefs,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Liz Truss actually just Boris Johnson in disguise
DOWNING STREET, LONDON—As Liz Truss descended the stairs of 10 Downing Street this morning, a large bird, most likely a very brave...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 2 min
A capella member lacks pep on stage, later lacks heartbeat
DURHAM, NC—Duke’s a capella groups are known for their jaunty demeanors, out-of-date medleys, and now, attempted murder. The “Note Takers...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Fluke Analytics Report: Petite, docile men get the most maduros at Sazón
THE SAZÓN LINE—Frustrated because you’re not getting enough maduros at Sazón? According to a recent study, you may need to get on the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
INVESTING PRODIGY: Paul Pelosi named Fuqua's next James B. Duke Professor of Finance
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—After years of perfect investments, Paul Pelosi has been named Fuqua’s next James B. Duke Professor of Finance. Pelosi...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 10, 2022
- 1 min
Confused stoner rejoices as Ted Budd declares victory
ASHEVILLE, NC—Hotboxes and dispensaries erupted with glee earlier today at the news that Ted Budd, Republican candidate for the North...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 9, 2022
- 1 min
Blue Tenter Says Poll Line “Too Long”
DURHAM, NC––Following midterm elections on November 8th, reports have surfaced of Duke students complaining about the length of the line...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Duke to demolish east campus dorms so freshmen finally talk about about something else
EAST CAMPUS—After a long two months of this year's freshman class talking about nothing other than which dorm they live in,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Running Out of Causes to Champion, PETA Turns Attention to Toppled Scooters That “Look Sad”
DURHAM, NC—This week, miniature gravesites could be found around campus to raise awareness for Spin scooter abuse and neglect. The...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 1 min
Op-Ed: I will kill myself if I'm the comic relief character in the group Halloween costume again
I’m done. I’m so fucking done. Once I got to Duke I thought my nightmare would finally be over. I could finally get away from being the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Waynestockings: Shapely calves and “astonishing elegance” displayed in annual Swan Lake performance
THE BARN—As the sweet sigh of violin music rises over the beer-soaked field, a hush falls over the crowd of over 10,000 spectators. Grips...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 2 min
Op-Ed: Chicken Little lied for attention. Here’s why I do it too.
When my girlfriend interned at Walt Disney last summer, her manager shared with her a Google Drive folder with first-draft screenplays of...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 26, 2022
- 1 min
Duke Student Boldly Displays Individuality by Wearing Duke Sweatshirt
UNIVERSITY STORE—When he donned his Duke sweatshirt Tuesday, Andrew Astor III could feel a weight being lifted off his shoulders. “It was...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 20, 2022
- 1 min
Kanye spotted running away from WU with AirDrop open
DUKE UNIVERSITY—On Saturday, there was a commotion in the Broadhead Center after an unknown menace airdropped hate speech to unsuspecting...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Ciceronian Society announces its own climate pledge: burning barrels of oil for fun
ABELE QUAD—In the aftermath of Duke’s recent climate commitment announcement, campus’ leading band of intellectuals and deep thinkers has...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Bitter Long Distance Partner Thumbs Up "I love you" Message
DURHAM, NC—A lonely night in Duke University’s Few Quad just got lonelier as sophomore Jessica Parker (Trinity ‘25) received a frigid...
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