The Fluke News Staff
New Five Dollar Deal is just Five Sazón Beans
DURHAM, NC—In response to student complaints about campus dining raising prices for smaller portions, Duke Dining administrators have...
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The Fluke News Staff
- 4 days ago
- 1 min
Duke to Euthanize the Ugly Lemurs
DURHAM, NC—On Monday night, Duke Lemur Center Executive Director Greg Dye announced plans to euthanize the ugly lemurs, citing concerns...
The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 8
- 1 min
India invades UK to help stabilize the country during turbulent time
LONDON, UK—After leading the British government for seven decades, Queen Elizabeth II’s passing has left some enormous shoes to fill. Not...
The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 8
- 1 min
Rule of Threes! Thompson Writing Center Kills Peaches, Nugget, and Queen to Prove Literary Point
DURHAM, NC—As the new semester begins, Duke University’s Thompson Writing Center has excitedly announced their newest programming: the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 8
- 1 min
C1 Bus Driver Executes Student Sipping Coffee: "They should have read the sign"
WEST CAMPUS BUS LOOP—As sophomore Josh Hinston sipped his Beyu Blue coffee and scrolled mindlessly on Tik Tok, he became confused when...
The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 5
- 0 min
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 30
- 1 min
Beach Week reveals several irreparable fissures in friend group
MYRTLE BEACH, SC—The day was May 1st and the night began as all did that week: with an Uber to SpanGalls (Daddy didn’t transfer enough...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 20
- 1 min
"Omg LDOC is on 4/20" says girl who snitched on her roommate for smoking weed
DURHAM, NC—As the end of the semester approaches, excitement for LDOC is growing on campus. The all-day party hasn’t truly happened in...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 13
- 1 min
Tik Tok set to release all drafts by noon
THE UNITED STATES—According to TikTok CEOs Kevin A. Mayer and Zhang Yiming, all drafts are set to be released at noon today. Every...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 13
- 1 min
Oops! Someone's getting weeded out by a weed-out class!
BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—It was a quiet morning in BioSci 123. The hallowed halls echoed with the sound of 120 sleep-deprived,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11
- 1 min
“Only in New York” says person who’s lived in New York for two days
NEW YORK, N.Y.—After witnessing a homeless man politely asking for spare change—a common occurrence in any populated area of the United...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11
- 1 min
Mask mandate reinstated for ugly people
DURHAM, N.C.—Controversy arose on campus yesterday as Duke Administration announced that they would be reinstating the recently ended...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11
- 1 min
"For $200, I'll paint my nails," says man who's very comfortable with his masculinity
DURHAM, NC– In a stunning display of courage, [name redacted because their parents threatened to sue] Fraternity hosted an event to raise...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11
- 1 min
War criminal calls war criminal war criminal, surprising war criminals everywhere
THE WORLD—Despite widespread knowledge of this war criminal’s history of commiting crimes against humanity in the region, this is the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11
- 1 min
“If you liked the tour my name is David, if not, my name is Matt,” says tour guide with amnesia
DURHAM, NC—As visitors stood and laughed at the classic joke, tour guide Jerry Eastman (Trinity ‘23) stared in confusion at the chuckling...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11
- 1 min
"Wow, I thought duke was an Ivy!" says real prospective student, definitely not a paid actor
DURHAM, NC—“Wow! I cannot believe Duke isn’t an Ivy! It just looks and feels so much like Princeton,” whispered Ethan Morgenstein in a...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 10
- 0 min
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 8
- 1 min
5 Strategies to Get Better in Bed: Sleep with Other Men for Practice
“Babe, you have to understand, I slept with her for you!” Too often do girls hear these words from their faithful, loving, handsome...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 7
- 1 min
Kilgo Laundry Thief and Few Arsonist overshadowed by more terrifying Edens Toe Tickler
DURHAM, NC—Although the fear and isolation of the Covid-19 pandemic have ended for the majority of campus, the same cannot be said for...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 7
- 1 min
Irresponsibly selfish psychopath requests stop on C1
C1 BUS, CAMPUS DRIVE—This morning, at 8:17 a.m., an atrocious tragedy occurred. Onlookers were shocked as the unthinkable occured as the...