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BREAKING: Student good at sports betting—and keeps it to themself

DURHAM, NC—For the first time in recorded history, a Duke student has kept quiet after successfully betting on the Super Bowl.

Luke Jovenson (Trinity ‘26) placed a four-leg parley on Sunday’s big game, even down to the details like the length of the national anthem, the color of the gatorade, and which side the opening coin toss would land on. He bet 10 dollars to win 200.

What is monumental about Jovenson’s betting victory is that, for the first time in Duke’s history, he didn’t feel the need to immediately tell everyone around him that he was a betting god. Nearby student Mark Henderson (Trinity ‘26) was shocked.

“I’m so used to everyone around me being an asshole whenever they win money,” said Henderson, “It was a little unsettling, honestly.”

Apt behavior for the typical sports bettor would include punching a hole in the wall, whipping one’s penis out and helicoptering it around, or immediately blowing all of it on prostitutes and marijuana.

When asked how he would use the money, Jovenson had a surprising answer.

“I dunno. I’ll probably just put it in my checking account, maybe take myself out to a nice dinner or something.”



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