Coach K kills student reporter, receives one game suspension

Durham, NC—Following Duke’s recent tough loss to another unranked team, Coach Mike “that bitch” Krzyzewski was faced with an unfairly tough question in his post-game interview.


“I’m just curious as to what the next step forward here is for the team as you guys move into another week of basketball?” asked the ruthless, unempathetic, coldhearted creature from hell (Jake Piazza).


“Listen here Pizza, your parents don’t love you. Oh, and you’re an econ major? Why don’t you calculate my net worth while I bang your mom?” responded Coach K. Following the interview, it was reported that Coach K tracked down the god-awful, disgusting ‘reporter’ and a struggle ensued.


Coach K was reportedly heard saying “the K stands for killer” and “this is for Joey” as he tightened his hands around the neck of Pizza. Near the end of the struggle, it was reported that Sophomore shooting guard, Michael Savarino, also joined his grandpa and was heard saying “I’m his grandson” while spitting on Pizza’s lifeless body.


Both Pizza’s parents and the NCAA decided that the issue could be decided out of court and in relatively harsh sentencing, it was announced that Coach K would receive a one-game suspension. It was also announced that Savarino would be forced to ride the bench for the rest of the season, a decision that Coach K graciously suggested.


A GoFundMe has been started for Coach K’s lost pension and emotional damage.


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