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Duke Quidditch team busted for steroid abuse

DURHAM, NC—The Duke varsity quidditch team was recently removed from the official list of intramural sports clubs amid anabolic steroid abuse allegations from rival teams.

When asked about their recent 19-game winning streak, team captain and self-proclaimed Jarvis prefect Liam Potts (T ‘20) commented, “we’re more than just a bunch of mates running around honky-wonky with carpet sweepers between their gams. We’re a family.”

Unfortunately, much like the effects of HGH, this magical story couldn’t last forever.

“I’ve never seen a Quidditch team sling mud like these guys,” said one anonymous UNCG beater. “Our seeker called one of their players a ‘muggle,’ and she responded with the words ‘bitchass virgin’ while bludgeoning his head with her broomstick.”

This information did not reach DukeRec until a routine physical examination revealed extremely high blood pressure and cholesterol in every player on the team. Strangely, the players experienced no loss in sexual drive from the performance-enhancing drugs. Magic?

The ambiguously Australian Potts was not available for comment. In locker room footage, he can be heard saying “‘Roid or die.”



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