DURHAM, NC—The Duke varsity quidditch team was recently removed from the official list of intramural sports clubs amid anabolic steroid abuse allegations from rival teams.
When asked about their recent 19-game winning streak, team captain and self-proclaimed Jarvis prefect Liam Potts (T ‘20) commented, “we’re more than just a bunch of mates running around honky-wonky with carpet sweepers between their gams. We’re a family.”
Unfortunately, much like the effects of HGH, this magical story couldn’t last forever.
“I’ve never seen a Quidditch team sling mud like these guys,” said one anonymous UNCG beater. “Our seeker called one of their players a ‘muggle,’ and she responded with the words ‘bitchass virgin’ while bludgeoning his head with her broomstick.”
This information did not reach DukeRec until a routine physical examination revealed extremely high blood pressure and cholesterol in every player on the team. Strangely, the players experienced no loss in sexual drive from the performance-enhancing drugs. Magic?
The ambiguously Australian Potts was not available for comment. In locker room footage, he can be heard saying “‘Roid or die.”