A comprehensive guide to analyzing your boyfriend’s childhood home on Zillow

Go ahead and put his address into Zillow. There are now a few more things you have to think about besides the fact that he and his family has lived in Alabama since they “came off the Mayflower”.


Three bedrooms. You know by the holiday picture he posted on Instagram on November 29, 2016, that he has two siblings: a brother and a step-sister. If he shares a bedroom with his brother, then maybe he won’t come home with chlamydia again. That shouldn’t make sense to you, all things considered. But you can pretend, right?


Two bathrooms? Okay, so he shared a bathroom with his step-sister. Surely that’s an innocent thing and completely unrelated to the slightly uncomfortable role play you have to do for him. You shouldn’t think about this one too hard. Don’t make the connection that her boyfriend had chlamydia around Thanksgiving last year as well. You’ll be better off.


He lives in a neighborhood with a high walk score; he probably got a car on his sixteenth birthday. His ex lives approximately 9.4 miles away from him. He definitely doesn’t still have the means to visit her. You should do something about it just in case. Maybe put a tracker in his car, or better yet, his phone. You could visit for just a couple of days at the beginning of Thanksgiving break. When you asked if you could visit before, he said that his family doesn’t like “your kind”. You thought it was a joke.


Hardwood floors? Ionic columns around the front in a three-sided portico? A suspicious fireplace? Built in 1835? Something happened here. Even if you can move past the slavery-chic of the master bedroom and its claw-footed bathtub, there’s no denying the one room with 17-inch thick brick walls and four locks on the door. You can write off the Zillow analysis of local LGBT legal protection, but not the shed on the property which isn’t included in photos and can only be seen from google street view.


That being said, you could one day inherit the 1.35 million dollar home in Tuscaloosa with beautiful stained glass and great solar energy potential. You need to pay for law school somehow, so you might as well put on some yellow-tinted sunglasses and stare past the orange flags.