1. Soc Psych Bathroom
So you’re eating alone on Valentine’s. So what! It could be worse: you could still be dating that asshole Jordan. Instead, you were smart enough to secure the best place to eat alone on campus: Soc Psych bathroom. It’s spacious, there’s only one seat (the toilet!), and best of all, it locks, so no one has to see you cry. Jordan always hated it when you cried.
2. Waffle House
Maybe the bathroom isn’t your style. And good for you! You deserve more than a bathroom. You deserve a Waffle House. You’ve never sat at the Waffle House bar before: you always thought it was sad. Well look at you now, ordering floppy steak and flaccid eggs. You were right. It is sad. The waitress smiles at you through yellowed teeth and asks if you want anything else. You’re not hungry. You order peppered hash browns anyway and pretend the artificial burn of the jalapenos can replace the passion you once felt for Jordan.
3. Krafthouse Booth
Can’t summon the energy to drag your useless, single carcass to Waffle House? Krafthouse is right on campus, and located physically beneath other students. Poignant. That’s right, take a whole booth to yourself. Sink deep into that red semi-circular bench, so close to being heart-shaped, and yet so horribly far. Order the honey-sriracha chicken bites you’ve been telling yourself you’re too good for. The lights are dim. No one will see. Each of the tiny pieces of syrupy chicken smile up at you like Jordan used to. Mocking. Glistening. If you had a date, you’d have someone to tell you about the honey-sriracha dripping down your chin. But you don’t. You’re alone.
4. The Tunnels
Maybe Krafthouse was the wrong choice. Too quotidian, too normal. What you need is adventure, escape. You need to eat in the tunnels. You’re not soul-crushingly single, you’re a fun rule-breaker! At least until a rat steals one of your chopsticks. The exposed heating pipes around you hiss at you cruelly, like Jordan did the day you broke up. He said horrible things, but nothing you could call untrue. Now you’re defined by absence. Just like the tunnels.
5. The Dump
Maybe just be honest about it, y’know? Maybe the answer to where you should eat alone on Valentine’s has been in front of you the whole time: the Dump. Banana peels, used pads, your roommate’s weeks old Il Forno scraps — it’s where everything else society has thrown away is. It’s where you should be, if you’re honest. Honest like Jordan was. It’s on East Club Boulevard. You can walk.