WASHINGTON, DC—This week, a train derailed in East Palestine, Ohio, creating an ecological disaster that will harm the health and well-being of countless people, plants, and animals in the area. This, of course, comes after the Biden administration prohibited unionized train workers from striking in September. These workers, who wanted to secure higher safety standards for railroad lines, among other improvements, were forced to go back to work, with their demands and desires swept under the rug.
Facing backlash from Leftists and Train Enthusiasts alike, President Joe Biden agreed to sit down, blunder, and gaffe in order to explain why his policies prevented an even worse disaster.
“Look, folks, here’s the deal– unions make workers lazy and complacent. Rail workers aren’t even willing to lose fingers anymore. Maybe if train workers weren’t such greedy, self-absorbed union mafiosos, they’d focus more on building and maintaining safe railways instead of pressuring companies to abide by higher safety standards. I miss the days when we could just ship in immigrants and pay them next to nothing.”
After completing his cogent argument, he lifted his feet, which rested upon a quivering unpaid intern.