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BREAKING: Duke administration invests in fossil fuels to end student debt

Durham, NC—The Duke Board of Trustees recently announced their decision to continue investing in the fossil fuel industry, despite fierce student resistance around campus.

The Board has asserted that they are doing their students a great service, arguing that once climate change has killed all Duke alumni, they will be free of any and all student debt. “Dead people can’t pay debts”, explained Trustee Ted Bundy Tim Cook of Apple, “so can my little pawns, er, I mean, Duke students please be just grateful?”

No other comments were provided by the Board.

Duke undergraduates will be glad to know that they will continue to have no say in where Duke invests its money, despite providing the University with over $360 million each year. The Board, consisting of rich people with no ties to Duke, should continue to choose what to do with students’ already-over-priced tuitions. Just as students will see that the Board nailed this debt-elimination-via-elimination program, students will come around to the idea of being controlled by university-level despots. It’s the only way.

Besides, how else can Duke fund the DUU zoom events that no one attends?



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