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Progressive! 68% of fraternity members believe same-sex kissing is fine, as long as it’s between two straight girls at one of their parties


DURHAM, N.C.—In an unprecedentedly progressive effort to “bring the rainbow” to Greek life, Alpha Delta Phi (ADPhi) opened its arms to Duke’s LGBTQ+ community this weekend with its much-advertised “2 Girls 1 Solo Cup” event. “We want girls,” said Charlie Payne (Trinity ‘25), ADPhi’s new Sexual Diversity Representative, “or, like, women… whatever you call them.” When questioned as to what his terming of “women” entailed, in terms of biological sex or gender identification, Payne appeared flustered: “You know… Hot. Long hair.” Payne proceeded to make manual gestures; squeezing the air in front of him with both hands as if holding two invisible spheres, miming an hourglass shape, and inserting one finger into a circle made with another.


The revolutionary liberality of the “2G1SC” party was promoted to sorority girls from East (Campus) to West (Campus) through a concerted campaign of DMs, posters, and emails with abundant capitalization. The event’s singularity lay in its promise to allow females “sexual freedom,” or more specifically, in the words of Payne, “they get to make out with each other, not just with us. Heh.”


The event kicked off with a bass-enhanced rendition of “S&M” by Rihanna as female participants flowed in, sporting rainbow-glitter eyeshadow and pastel-striped bikinis. “It started off hype,” recalled Liam Humper (Trinity ’24), leading apprentice to the Co-Vice-President of ADPhi’s Alcohol Committee, “But then the girls got, like, way too into it.”


“It was amazing,” said Maddie Smitten (Trinity ‘25), holding the hand of her new girlfriend, Taylor Tingles (Trinity ‘25). “I was making out with Taylor to make my boyfriend jealous, and then all of a sudden, like, wow. It was so great. No stubble. No bad breath. No squeezing my ass. It was like heaven.” 


Ad Phi, officially deeming the “2G1SC” function a “mistake,” has vowed never to invite girls to their parties again. “You can’t trust them. They’ll turn on you. They’ll turn you on, but then they’ll turn away. They’ll turn…turn…” Payne struggled to compose his troubled thoughts and emotions in the aftermath of the event. “So no more chicks. We’ll show them that we don’t need them anyway. We’ll make out with each other. In a not-gay way. Not because we want to or anything like that.” Payne paused to adjust his rainbow-glitter jock strap, ADPhi’s new uniform. “It’s not homo. It’s male empowerment.”

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