The Fluke News Staff
After 119 Years, The Chronicle to Disband
It all started in 1905. The first report, the first interview, and, eventually, even the first-ever divisive opinion piece. For the past...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 26
- 2 min
Progressive! 68% of fraternity members believe same-sex kissing is fine, as long as it’s between two straight girls at one of their parties
DURHAM, N.C.—In an unprecedentedly progressive effort to “bring the rainbow” to Greek life, Alpha Delta Phi (ADPhi) opened its arms to...
The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 26
- 2 min
Marine Lab Sees Increase in Applications from Confused ROTC Students
BEAUFORT, NC—Stephen Toth, Director of the Duke Marine Lab, reports a high number of ROTC students applying to the Duke Marine Lab for...
The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 6
- 2 min
"No way to prevent this:" Student drowns in Abele Quad puddle
ABELE QUAD, DUKE UNIVERSITY—Adding to the dreariness and depression brought on by the most recent round of storms to hit campus, Kent...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 2 min
"Christian Girl Autumn" bashed for discrimination, replaced with ‘Non-denominational Person Harvest’
DURHAM, N.C.—The internet trend known as “Christian Girl Autumn” will no longer be celebrated at Duke University due to discrimination,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
A Capella Group “The Pitchforks” renamed “The Pitchspoons” to be more well-rounded
DURHAM, N.C.—Award-winning campus acapella group “The Pitchforks” decided last Saturday after a lively– and, at times, violent– Town...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Baseball player loses his daily hat; what happens now?
DURHAM, N.C.—Tragedy struck Duke Athletics this past weekend when baseball player Todd Kernel (T ’25) lost his daily hat in a horrifying...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 2 min
Duke pledges $1 million for made free throw, “randomly selects” 90 year old English Professor
DURHAM, N.C.—The half-court challenge is a staple of the basketball game experience. Perfectly in line with the American ideals of an...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Duke researchers find you’re the only one on campus struggling
DURHAM, N.C.—A recently published study by researchers at the Duke Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences found that you, the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Duke to roll out artificial friend groups alongside artificial turf
DURHAM, N.C.— As climate awareness has grown over the past decade, sports fields across the country have gradually switched from thirsty...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Duke In Madrid student horrified to learn Spanish women are not into Americans
“¿Cómo están chicas?” bellowed out Todd Barker (T ‘25) as he walked through the Madrid Airport. Finally beginning his semester abroad,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Golden Retriever Boyfriend Sent Upstate
DURHAM, N.C.—When Melissa Peterson (P ‘24) came home late one Friday night, she was disappointed not to see Cooper (No one knows) hanging...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
In rare act of compassion, Vincent Price offers to lick away students' tears
DURHAM, N.C.—In a campus-wide email on Wednesday, Duke President Vincent Price acknowledged the emotional toil finals put upon students...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Mathematicians struggle to derive formula for calculating the Duke Difference
DURHAM, N.C.—Duke mathematics faculty may be well-versed in number theory and tanking the GPAs of undergraduates, but there’s one problem...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Op-ed: Sometimes it’s better to pretend it’s Nutella
We’ve all been there: so eager to relieve ourselves as we hurry to the restroom only to be greeted by a Jackson Pollock image of brown on...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Sazón introduces new lottery system in attempt to limit diners and curb crowds
WEST UNION— Duke’s study-abroad caps received such widespread support that Sazón has introduced a similar lottery system to limit its...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 19
- 1 min
Temperatures drop, top one-percenters can now social signal with a sweater tied around their neck
DURHAM, N.C.—Dropping temperatures in North Carolina have prompted many Duke students to transition to warmer clothing, while...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 18
- 2 min
Duke releases Latinx students from Bryan Center Basement for Hispanic Heritage Month
LA CASA, BRYAN CENTER— During the early morning hours of September 15th, 2023, students looked in awe as President Price marched down the...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 18
- 2 min
Duke to hire male interpreters for female speakers to repeat what they just said but louder
ABELE QUAD—As the class of 2024 don their gowns and prepares to toss their caps in the air, John Dawson (T ‘23, summa cum laude) noticed...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 18
- 2 min
Everyone in seminar thrilled to hear 15-minute discussion between one student and professor
DURHAM, N.C.— On Tuesday morning, in “The Natural History of Economics and Philosophical Thought in Western France,” a 12-person seminar...
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