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    Philosophy major wayyyy too talkative in bed
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 15
    • 1 min

    Philosophy major wayyyy too talkative in bed

    DURHAM, NC—After a casual hookup in a twin bed with blue plaid sheets listening to a man compare the female orgasm to Plato’s The Republi...
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    BREAKING: Contact tracer loses job because you don’t have any friends. Loser.
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 10
    • 1 min

    BREAKING: Contact tracer loses job because you don’t have any friends. Loser.

    DURHAM, NC—Despite a rise in Covid cases, contact tracer Jim Mahomes was let go last week after not being able to find a single person yo...
    0 comments
    BREAKING: Duke marriage pact just a front for DUPD to find out who runs through red lights
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Jan 31
    • 1 min

    BREAKING: Duke marriage pact just a front for DUPD to find out who runs through red lights

    DURHAM, NC—The Fluke Unit of the Chronically Knowledgeable (FUCK)––the Fluke News’s anonymous sources in Duke Student Government––recentl...
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    Duke to confirm all students to return in spring–will change decision two days before return
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 22, 2020
    • 1 min

    Duke to confirm all students to return in spring–will change decision two days before return

    DURHAM, NC—After a long semester of no breaks, thousands of dollars spent on precautionary quarantine, and approximately 1 student actual...
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    Bug in SymMon app allows students to submit symptoms without performing a thorough self-examination
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 31, 2020
    • 1 min

    Bug in SymMon app allows students to submit symptoms without performing a thorough self-examination

    Durham, NC—The date is October 12, 2020. Time: 4:00 AM. Vincent Price is woken up by the buzzing of his phone. He picks it up. A voice qu...
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    BREAKING: Duke administration invests in fossil fuels to end student debt
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 31, 2020
    • 1 min

    BREAKING: Duke administration invests in fossil fuels to end student debt

    Durham, NC—The Duke Board of Trustees recently announced their decision to continue investing in the fossil fuel industry, despite fierce...
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    White in a Sea of Blue Devils: Duke Proud Boys no longer active as election approaches
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 27, 2020
    • 3 min

    White in a Sea of Blue Devils: Duke Proud Boys no longer active as election approaches

    Hi. I’m Monday Monday, from the Duke Chronicle! This column was supposed to run this Monday, but was pulled at the last minute because it...
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    Op-ed: No need for PornHub—Thin curtains in Hollows are enough
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 9, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-ed: No need for PornHub—Thin curtains in Hollows are enough

    It was the summer of 8th grade when I graduated from my free Pornhub account, finally convincing my parents to let me go premium. Since t...
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    Duke cuts funding for groundbreaking AI research because “that’s like some Black Mirror shit”
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 9, 2020
    • 1 min

    Duke cuts funding for groundbreaking AI research because “that’s like some Black Mirror shit”

    DURHAM, NC—Despite promising results, potentially groundbreaking research in the use of AI for curing genetic diseases in homeless orphan...
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    Looking ahead: What are we going to do with Peaches' body?
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 9, 2020
    • 2 min

    Looking ahead: What are we going to do with Peaches' body?

    WEST CAMPUS—Okay, you’re probably worried about upcoming midterms? Global Pandemic always on your mind? Maybe your grandma is sick—I don’...
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    Adorable: These freshmen think they’re going to meet up over winter break
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 9, 2020
    • 1 min

    Adorable: These freshmen think they’re going to meet up over winter break

    EAST CAMPUS—Sources report that Jenny Baker and Alexa Schneider, Class of 2024, have miraculously brainstormed a way to keep their newfou...
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    Report: Over 20% of deforestation caused by Duke students writing with Post-It Notes on windows
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 8, 2020
    • 1 min

    Report: Over 20% of deforestation caused by Duke students writing with Post-It Notes on windows

    The Amazon Rainforest, Brazil—After weeks of investigative reporting, The Fluke News is shocked to find that 21.7% of global deforestatio...
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    Freshman DSG candidate disqualified after attempting to gerrymander east campus
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 6, 2020
    • 1 min

    Freshman DSG candidate disqualified after attempting to gerrymander east campus

    EAST CAMPUS—The results of last week’s election are being puzzled over by staff and students alike after the shocking revelation that Kev...
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    Sexual tension alert! Your professor and TA accidentally got assigned to the same breakout room
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 30, 2020
    • 1 min

    Sexual tension alert! Your professor and TA accidentally got assigned to the same breakout room

    DURHAM, NC—It’s getting steamy! 57-year-old history professor Matthew Johnson accidentally assigned himself to a breakout room with the o...
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    Pro-Trump Zoombombers hijack Duke Students for Biden event to praise students for civic engagement
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 24, 2020
    • 1 min

    Pro-Trump Zoombombers hijack Duke Students for Biden event to praise students for civic engagement

    DURHAM,NC -- Last week, the student hosted Biden Zoom rally was interrupted by a group of pro-Trump zoombombers, who hijacked the event t...
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    Fluke Investigates: ABP Aux
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 14, 2020
    • 1 min

    Fluke Investigates: ABP Aux

    AU BON PAIN—It’s 10:30 AM on a Tuesday, I’m hungover from spending Monday night drinking to forget my public policy assignments. I stumbl...
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    Div Cafe closed: What does God eat now?
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 14, 2020
    • 1 min

    Div Cafe closed: What does God eat now?

    WEST CAMPUS—With Div Cafe closed, God has nothing to eat. And those tummy rumbles really hit different when they each cause a vengeful se...
    0 comments
    Freshman nailed to cross introduces himself with capital ‘H’ He/Him/His pronouns
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 9, 2020
    • 1 min

    Freshman nailed to cross introduces himself with capital ‘H’ He/Him/His pronouns

    GILES PARTY, ROOM 203—In effort to be more progressive, this Duke freshman, who entered the room nailed to a wooden cross, introduced him...
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    Safety first: First year puts mask back on after puking on other first year
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 7, 2020
    • 1 min

    Safety first: First year puts mask back on after puking on other first year

    EAST CAMPUS, DUKE—Despite the Warhol-esque splatters of someone else’s puke covering his body, Trevor was safe from COVID-19. Why? Immedi...
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    Duke to release new SymMon dating feature for students with similar symptoms
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Aug 31, 2020
    • 1 min

    Duke to release new SymMon dating feature for students with similar symptoms

    DURHAM, NC—In an email leaked by the Dean of Pratt’s son, Duke Provost Sally Kornbluth announced an update to the SymMon app. Kornbluth w...
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