TRANSYLVANIA—Television personality Donald Trump held a campaign rally in Transylvania the day before the election. Speaking to an unusually pale crowd who hid from the daylight in MAGA hats, Trump made a few blunders that some think were responsible for his eventual loss.
“It sucks here,” said Trump. “I can’t find Hershey’s Chocolate Factory,” he began, before an aide whispered a correction in his ear. “My bad, Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory,” he continued before speaking about the importance of Transylvania turning red as a number of the anxious onlookers began to lick their lips. “Go take a look in the mirror and ask yourselves if Sleepy Joe is really the guy you want representing you.”
“I think the biggest mistake of all was Trump telling the audience he ‘wouldn’t have to be here if he didn’t have to be,’” said top Trump expert Hillaria Minton. “I never would’ve insulted them like that,” she said before beginning to shake uncontrollably. When asked whether Trump’s mistaken journey to Transylvania also played into his defeat this week, she said, “Oh yeah, that too. Actually, I don’t think anyone even cares at this point.”
Trump was later quoted as saying the election would not be over until all the Transylvanian votes were counted. “I ask my guys, I say, Mitch, Lindsey, why aren’t all the votes from Transylvania coming in? I mean, it’s ridiculous. They’re telling me the Democrats have refused to count Transylvnia votes and then they call themselves the tolerant left? They’re lying to you. I saw the red wave myself in Transylvania. Ask anybody, they love me there,” he yelled over the phone, repeating the same few sentences thirty-seven times.
Though The Fluke regrets that they are unable to determine the reason for this fatal campaign error, they are pleased to break the news on Mitch McConnell’s dead-looking body. An anonymous source (Mitt Romney, it was Mitt Romney) revealed that McConnell had sustained the injuries in Transylvania after an encounter with a female vampire journalist went awry. “I was taking my mic off- what, Rudy already used that one? Oh, well then, I couldn’t see myself in the mirror. Does anybody else smell garlic?”