ASHEVILLE, NC—Hotboxes and dispensaries erupted with glee earlier today at the news that Ted Budd, Republican candidate for the North Carolina Senate, has been projected as the winner of the 2022 Midterm Elections, narrowly defeating the Democratic candidate, Cheri Beasley.
“I’m stoked,” said Josh “Fergy” Ferguson, a local at the Smokey Bunny, a prominent hangout spot for “eclectic types and free minds,” as per their own advertising material. Ferguson spoke outdoors to the press who had gathered upon a commotion being reported at the Bunny. They were unable to get inside due to “unreal amounts of smoke pouring through the windows and, quite possibly, through the pores of the walls themselves.”
“I mean, I’m gonna be real with you, I didn’t know who Ted Budd was, dude,” Ferguson added. “I went to the polls because the polisci major who hangs out at the Bunny offered me a dab pen if I voted for Cheri. But I heard she’s like a pedo and wants kids to be diddled and stuff, so when I read Budd, I knew he had my vote.”
“I’m just optimistic about our rights, man,” added Jake “Fergy” Ferguson, Josh’s twin brother. “Like, get ready for things to be legalized and weed to be free. Budd knows where it’s at. It’s all about small government and no restrictions on what we do with–or put in–our bodies, I saw that on Instagram…”
The Ferguson twins did not finish their interviews as they zoned out and commented on “not really being into cherries that much anyways.”
Simultaneously, the North Carolina Cherry Farmer’s Union has declared itself in a state of mourning, plummeting cherry supplies statewide.