DUKE UNIVERSITY—Foreman George Grylls reported to Duke Facilities Management staff that the B.T.P. (short for the ‘Big Three’ Pipeline) is just days away from completion. After months of hard labor, the new pipeline will greatly accelerate the speed at which students sell out to their corporate overlords. The time span from starry-eyed hope for changing the world to gunning for a Business Analyst position at McKinsey has shortened to just five weeks of college.
“It’s really changing Duke for the better,” Duke University Landscape Architect Marilyn Hewer commented, “and by Duke, I mean, our endowment. It’s going to get way bigger with more of that sweet, sweet consulting money.”
Head Engineer Ashrit Suresh added that the pipeline operates by first “crushing freshmen’s dreams” with intense professional pressure then “enticing them with fat six-figure salaries” that grow exponentially down the pipeline. It’s a technical marvel that rivals even Harvard’s own pipeline, built back in 1976.
Students in the consulting pipeline can expect to work fourteen-hour days Monday through Friday. They will be doing highly fulfilling work, such as building market assessment models, making PowerPoints, performing data analysis, making PowerPoints, calculating how many low-income employees will be laid-off, making PowerPoints, expanding C-suite executive salaries, making PowerPoints, busting unions, and, of course, making PowerPoints.