Washington, D.C.— As Trump continues to vehemently protest the results of the 2020 Election by making numerous illegitimate claims of voter fraud, his staffers have resorted to an unconventional method to break through the President’s denial: hiring the cast of Sesame Street to explain why and how he lost.
By recruiting Elmo, Big Bird, Count von Count, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch, Trump staffers are attempting to speak the President’s language.
Seeking to reflect the President’s overall attitude and demeanor, Oscar the Grouch was chosen to speak first:
“Hey Donnie boy, I know you’re angry. I feel angry a lot of times too, so I understand, but sometimes we have to put aside our anger when it hurts people and things, like the entire American democracy. It’s okay to be upset, losing an election must be real hard! But, you have to get over your anger and do what’s best for the country by helping make the presidential transition go smoothly.”
Trump promptly responded by having the Secret Security escort the Grouch off the White House premises while yelling, “THE DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN PLANNING THIS FOR YEARS! THEY STOLE THE ELECTION FROM ME! IT’S RIGGED!”
Next up, Count Von Count sought to explain why Trump lost, despite appearing to be initially leading in multiple swing states:
“Mister President, I love counting! It’s what I was born to do! You see, this election was quite interesting in counting, as you had a mix of in-person and mail-in votes. Since you told your followers before the election to not trust mail-in ballots, your supporters voted in-person, which was counted first! I love counting! This is why you appeared to have the lead in swing states like Pennsylvania on election night! But, since mail-in ballots were counted last and came from mainly Democrats, your lead changed much later into the counting process! I sure do love counting! This is why it appeared that states you were winning flipped suddenly, but it was not due to fraud! It was due to how and when the votes were … COUNTED! COUNT WITH ME SIR! YOU LOST BY 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7—LET’S SKIP A FEW—5.1 MILLION VOTES!”
After The Count had begun counting, the President turned a dark shade of red and began to shriek, “WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! YOU ARE WRONG AND A FRAUD! I KNOW COUNTING BETTER THAN ANYONE, CERTAINLY BETTER THAN YOU!” Like Oscar, the Count was forced to leave immediately under threat of being “exiled forever from the United States.”
Finally, Elmo and Big Bird tried their best to get through to the President: Elmo began:
“Hiya Donald, It’s me, Elmo! I wanted to say that I think of you as my friend! And friends have to be honest with each other, so I have to tell you something buddy: You are threatening to destroy the very democratic institutions that have held up this nation since its founding by refusing to concede power. Not only is this irresponsible, selfish, and reckless, but it reduces America to the laughing stock of the international community! You’ve turned this country into a bloated decaying carcass of fake ideals of freedom that stand in stark contrast to the dismaying present reality of the white supremacy in our nation that you directly allowed to thrive and flourish!”
Before Big Bird could speak, the President attempted to strangle Elmo by leaping over his Oval Office desk and clawing at the beloved children's television character’s throat, forcing Big Bird to break up the fight by violently flapping his wings against the obese orange man. The Secret Service rushed in to arrest Elmo and Big Bird, throwing them violently against the ground, while Cookie Monster stress ate cookies at a highly alarming rate in the corner while sobbing loudly.
