BROWN RESIDENCE HALL—Duke is investigating an incident in the East Campus dormitory that blindsided the administration due to the comprehensive hate and bias policy Duke has definitely written and disseminated at the time of publication.
“Frankly, we’re unsure what all the fuss is about,” commented the Residential Coordinator of Brown. “It’s just an ominous, cryptic annotated printout of George Floyd and his toxicology report posted on a Black History month display right after a racially-motivated mass shooting in a dorm with a large black student population. What’s the big deal?”
Duke University administrators reported that the “quirky little rascal” posted the fliers on Saturday, March 20th, on the bulletin board commemorating black victims of police violence. The truly perceptive commentary of, “Mix of drugs presents in difficulty breathing! Overdose? Good Man? Use of fake currency is a felony!” was scribbled in a flashy but classy pink pen.
An email sent by the RC of Brown Dormitory read, “We must discuss the internal and external harm of someone’s insensitive choice to display their racism so publicly and obviously.” Dean Blackshear then elaborated, explaining:
“Here at Duke, we must be subtly racist. As a black man, I am appalled by this incident, but as a Duke administrator, I am forced to put my foot down and demand these Duke racists to please be racist more quietly!”
In a recent email sent by Dean Blackshear and Dean Jeanna McCullers, the student body was given the administration’s response:
“There is a time and place for racism at Duke. The incident in Brown Residential Hall does not accurately reflect our stance on racism as a University. Here at Duke, we must be outwardly anti-racist by claiming to be committed to fighting systemic racism, but inwardly—that's your business. Just don’t be so gauche. Frankly, it’s unrefined.”