DURHAM, N.C.—As more students face the traumatic roar of ambient noise and human voices, Duke CAPS takes steps to help, hiring a specialist for people who forgot their headphones this morning.
Rosemary Gronk, a Psychology major in Trinity, was the first to bring the issue of headphone neglect to CAPS’ attention after she forgot her headphones and accidentally made eye contact with the people sitting in BC Plaza. “It was really scary,” says Gronk tearfully, recounting her experience hearing the outside world, “so I decided to do something. This school is all about taking initiative.” Gronk revealed that she also took the initiative to buy a new pair of AirPods Max at the Duke Apple Store. “I’m so thankful for Duke’s resources. Without them, I would have had to hear those financially challenged people in BC Plaza complain about student debt or whatever.”
However, the new initiative brought about controversy:
Duke CAPS, for one, is incredibly thankful for the new initiative. CAPS counselor Kathy Smith said, “We’ve been looking at ways to restructure our budget for a while now. We’re thankful we didn’t have to hire certified therapists or counselors.” With seasonal depression and midterm season looming, Smith hopes that the new specialist will keep students functioning at 100%. “If we’re going to keep climbing US News rankings, we need our students to kick that mental illness business,” Smith remarks, “and the easiest way to do that is to help them avoid social interaction.”
On the other side of the conflict, The Chronicle published an article titled “Opinion: Duke CAPS funding should be moved to the Department of Economics,” in which economics student Garrett Cheese criticized CAPS’ lack of support for students struggling with affluenza. However, when asked to comment, the author of this article pointed to their headphones in an, “I can’t hear you” motion and sped off. In response to accusations of frivolous spending, CAPS plans to utilize Duke’s particularly blunt computer science professors in order to “give students something to cry about.”