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Duke finally beats Ivies… in income inequality

DURHAM, N.C.—Elite universities around the country have been looking for new ways to one-up the top-tier Ivy institutions. Though Duke University clocked in at number seven this year on the ranking, their failure to rank within the top five deeply upset school officials. Duke trailed behind their counterparts in both its academic and social programs.

Duke has remained number one in one category for the last thirty years: income inequality. Reports show Duke excels at, among other metrics, Canada Goose per capita and proportion of country club kids as part of the total student body. Salad prices at on-campus dining options often are listed at over $10 while other common staples like pasta go for $13. For Halloween, freshman Stacy Richardson made the journey to UNC Chapel Hill, saying “Yeah, the Uber was like $85, but I split with like 3 other girls so it’s fine. I’ve seen worse in New York.”

For future rankings, Duke University students have expressed interest in utilizing their status as “academic weapons” and beating up students from other elite universities. Maybe try getting that physical education rating up first!



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