DURHAM, N.C.—In response to CAPS counselors voting to unionize last Thursday, the university has introduced the new Keep Youth Smiling (KYS) initiative with the goal of uplifting the spirits of the student body.
“KYS gives students options for improving their mental health,” said Vice Provost of Student Affairs Mary Pat McMahon in a press conference at the Student Wellness Center. “Those options are to be happy down here or be happy up there.” McMahon then pointed to the second floor of the Wellness Center, which is home to the new Medical Assistance In Decompression (MAID) office.
“Stress causes depression, and we’re trying to get all the stress out of students’ bodies,” says Kitty Jones, director of Duke’s MAID program and former Canadian hospital executive. “We have students lie down on a warm bed, where we administer a lethal dose of propofol for temporary sedation.”
When asked whether administering intravenous euthanasia is lawful in North Carolina, Jones hastily corrected herself: “I’m certain I said ‘legal’… not ‘lethal.’” Jones regathered her composure for the remainder of the conference, but a reporter claims that Jones followed them to their car with a liquid-filled syringe.
CAPS counselors had voted to unionize due to a lack of resources provided by the university. Their list of grievances includes below-average therapist salary, lack of program funding, and turbulent administrative support. On Tuesday, Vincent Price responded to the counselors’ decision in an email to members of the Duke community.
“I’m aware that our counselors are requesting resources to build a more effective psychological services program at Duke,” Price wrote. “But I think they should fucking kill themselves.”