Duke opens Canine Cognition Center to lessen the load on CAPS



DURHAM, NC—Rather than hiring more trained personnel, extending hours, or tackling the source of the University’s mental health crisis, the university gave a prescription everyone can get behind: PUPPY KISSES!


Although the administration has been contracting Nugget to make daily appearances for the past few years, they decided to ramp up access to these adorable creatures. When students seek an appointment with campus mental health services, they are now first sent a crudely written email with the address of the Canine Cognition Center and three thumbs up emojis.

One student admitted the puppy visits weren’t helping, “The unrelenting gaze of those dogs just reminds me of the looks of disappointment my father gave me when I said I was dropping pre-med.” Another student echoed sentiments that this is not how we should tackle mental health here at Duke, saying, “I just need some fucking Prozac.”


Additionally, to compensate for money spent on the new forks, Duke is replacing Nutrition Services with a sign that says, “Just Eat :).”