Duke removes suicide nets from McClendon bridge after reaching top ten in US News and World Report

BELLA UNION—This morning, Duke administrators celebrated the removal of suicide nets under the bridge near Bella Union after Duke was ranked 9th overall on the US News and World Report’s list of best colleges in America.


This return to the top ten marked a moment for celebration among students, faculty, and parents alike.


“Not that I care about our ranking, obviously—because I don’t,” prefaced Duke sophomore, Jenny James. “But this news comes as such a relief. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it was to have ‘Duke 2024’ in my Instagram bio, knowing that at any point someone could look up our ranking and see we were #12. I lived in constant fear. I considered that McClendon Bridge jump several times—not that I care.”


“I’m just glad I can look my mother in the eye again,” added Duke junior Andy Liu. “She started telling her friends I go to a ‘small liberal arts school in North Carolina’ because she was worried nobody would know the Duke name anymore.”


Admissions officer Jamie Goodman mentioned her excitement to finally go back to reading “Why Duke?” essays that featured students lying through their teeth and talking around Duke’s prestigious rank.


“It felt weird reading students who actually had an interest in our faculty and academic programs. Almost unnatural. That’s just not what Duke is about, you know? I’m more accustomed to essays that talk ambiguously about Duke’s ‘premier research opportunities’ and ‘global academic experiences.’ That’s how I know they’ll fit in here.”


President Price told us later that they would be saving the nets, as they wanted to be prepared for student suicide attempts after the death of Nugget or Peaches—whichever comes first.



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