DURHAM, NC—After years of split testing, clinical trials, and car mufflers just “disappearing”, researchers in the Duke School of Medicine, led by Professor Gill Gilligan, have finally discovered a novel substance that can shut off pain entirely in the human body: meth.
According to Professor Gilligan, meth works by targeting your amygdala, the part of your brain that controls emotions and stress response, and then making it want to fucking kill itself. This leads to increased energy levels and heightened awareness of things that aren’t actually there, and in some cases a sudden urge to demolish a Honda Civic with a stolen fence post.
“We wouldn’t recommend anything we haven’t already tried ourselves,” stated Professor Gilligan. “I used to be in constant physical pain after my wife’s boyfriend broke my kneecaps. Now, I’m chicken flipping on scooby snacks 24/7. Not only is my pain gone, I don’t even need to sleep or eat!”
It’s still unclear what the practical applications of this discovery will be. However, the Duke School Medicine has received promising interest from a startup looking to revolutionize the soda industry with their new drink: Meth-A-Cola.