Duke student walking past tour group tries to appear sober



DURHAM, NC—A Trinity sophomore barely maintained control of himself this Monday when he walked past the Chapel nine shots deep and noticed a tour group of young Duke hopefuls.


“I felt the strongest urge to grab one of those little kids by the shoulders and say, ‘I remember when I was in your shoes, buckaroo! Enjoy it while it lasts!’” Recounted Brenson Breen (T ‘22). “I think I must have been overcome by my passion for higher education, and my drunken lack of inhibition.”


Breen reportedly walked past the tour group once, then quickly turned around and started marching back toward the group with his eyes set on a pimply 17-year-old boy from West Virginia. Breen’s friend Marilyn Polliver (T’22) was leading the tour group.


“I tried to ward Brenson off with a subtle shake of my head,” explained Polliver, “But he had that insatiable, drooling look in his eye that a man gets when he’s about to teach an important life lesson to another man. And he was also drunk off his rocker.”


“I gave that kid some pretty solid advice,” Breen said. “The tour group was really impressed when I stopped myself from throwing up on the quad. I had their full attention for probably almost ten minutes as they called an EMS. You’re welcome for making your job easier, Marilyn!”