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Duke to confirm all students to return in spring–will change decision two days before return

DURHAM, NC—After a long semester of no breaks, thousands of dollars spent on precautionary quarantine, and approximately 1 student actually reading the Duke compact, the university has decided to allow all students to return on campus in the spring.

President Price confirmed: “These are unprecedented times, but don’t worry: I will back out of this 2 days before FDOC.”

“I’m so excited for spring semester!” says Mark Johnson, a freshman currently living on west campus. “Oh, why do I have a suitcase? Yeah, I have to go back to the Lodge. I don’t really mind. I get my own bathroom and I hate my friends.”

With less than 200 positive COVID cases throughout the whole fall semester, the administration looks forward to continuing with having classes mostly online before forcing everything to go online when they are sent home. Though some raised concerns about sophomores, juniors and seniors moving into all-freshman dorms, HRL assured students that they will move forward with allowing students to be reassigned to dorms to be closer with their social group, and that they will send an email saying 'SIKE' by the third week of January.

When asked for comment on the recent third wave of COVID, President Price simply commented: “We will be addressing all concerns about the spring semester from the Four Seasons Total Landscaping within the week. Wait, what do you mean someone already booked it?”



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